For some reason, I've grown up with this idea that desiring intimacy of any kind -- physical or emotional -- from another person is strange and wrong. As I'm learning how deeply wrong this is, I'm also learning that there are some people with whom I desire intimacy, from whom I can never, ever get it. Mostly because, for whatever reason, they won't give it to me.

I think this is bullshit.

I also think said people are scared, whether they know it or not. As scared as I am, if not more. It's frustrating, being in a place where I finally have the guts to stand up and declare what I think I want, only to be met with silence. It makes me want to scream, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?

But really now: what have we got to lose?

"You're fighting a losing battle there, dear."

a mirror to Harry in Harry Potter.

The King is Dead

When I was snowed in at Heathrow for 9 hours, the new Decemberists album leaked. My friend sent it to me, and I listened to it several times while crying in the airport. I listened to it while crying on the tube back to my empty flat in Central London. I listened to it for days afterwards, wandering depressed around Camden Town and South Bank.

It's funny. I can no longer separate in my mind that music from that time in my life. On days now where I feel terribly alone and disconnected from the people at hand, who I claim to love the most, I begin to miss London and the way I haunted the city like an invisible ghost listening to The Decemberists. I miss the weight of missing people, the way I felt so far away from everyone because physically, I was so far away. Now when I feel alone, I feel this weight of missing the people who are right in front of me, the weight of feeling emotionally separated from the people I want to know me and understand me. But I still listen to the new Decemberists, pretending I'm in London, so far away from the people from whom I feel so far away.

I wish I hadn't wished I wasn't there when I was there with you.

I'm terrified I'm making the same mistake I made last time. When will I know I've learned?