I don't count my days on a rosary

I count my days by little blue pills

they're equally meaningless I think

seven more rows of little blue pills

and then what?

I can't feel them slide down my throat

so sometimes I forget if I've taken it or not

I don't feel much of anything, I don't think

or maybe I feel too much of everything

what does that even mean

I'm beginning to suspect

that I don't exist.

I think I may just be a shadow.

a collection of images and words put forth to float forever through cyberspace.

nothing feels real. not even me.

this is weird.

[angry post about gender identity and feminism and societal pressure to be either a feminist or a product of a misogynistic patriarchal society]

We're both in the same business, and I'm not embarrassed to say that it's about helping people somehow to sort out their deepest conflict: …In a nutshell, it all comes down to "what I want" versus "what’s expected of me."

- Psychologist Faye Miller on Mad Men.

(lol irony.)

EVERYTHING IS STRANGE.

I don't know what it is about the end of October, but I feel like I fall into a similar funk every year around the same time, and I don't think I'm the only one. Everyone is being all jaded and strange, everyone is withdrawing - like they're going into early hibernation or something. There's this pervasive mood that's just making everything feel weird, and I don't know what triggered it. I feel like I should do something, but I don't know what to do, or what to say, even. I don't know. Something feels off. I don't know.

I don't know.

comfort tunes

It's funny to me that I consider "comfort music" mostly to be music that would comfort me when I was depressed or upset when I was 17-20 or so.

When I was 17 and 18, I listened to a lot of Anna Nalick's "Wreck of the Day," Howie Day's "Stop All the World Now," and Missy Higgins's "The Sound of White" when I was upset. And a lot of Bruce, except now I mostly associate Bruce with being 18 and in love in the summer time at the beach, so that doesn't really count any more.

When I was 19 and 20, I listened to a lot of Mandy Moore's "Wild Hope," and I am so not ashamed of that. It was like...my barely-post-adolescent break-up album. Hahahahahaha. I was also really into John Mayer and Ingrid Michaelson. And Chris Ayer saved my life sophomore year, I think. Love him always.

Around then, most of that got replaced pretty quickly by M. Ward and Wilco. And since then, I'll usually just listen to whatever's tickling my fancy at the time. But some days, I get into weird moods where the only thing that satisfies me is this music that used to comfort me at very specific times in my life. I'm always surprised by how quickly it makes me feel better. It makes me wonder though: will I still be doing this 5, 10 years from now? Turning to this music that comforted me as a teenager? Part of me is like, "OH GOD I hope not." But part of me hopes I still do this - part of me never wants to fall out of love with anything, even if it's just music.