Joan: How could you?! How could you just leave me?!

Adam: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Joan: No! How could you just leave me there?

Adam: I tried! Okay? I couldn't do it. Not after my mother, I . . . I couldn't. I . . . I just couldn't see someone throw her life away like that.

Joan: She didn't . . . she didn't kill herself.

Adam: Some people do it all at once. And some people do it a little bit every day.

Joan: [pause] I loved her.

Adam: I know. And I don't know why that doesn't matter.

I copied this down a few weeks ago after watching this episode with Kay and crying, like I do every time I watch that episode, but I never wrote anything else down about it. I don't really know what I had been thinking about or what I had thought about writing. I just know that every once in a while, those last two lines of Adam's, they pop into my head. When it feels like everyone around me - including myself - is acting self-destructive. When life doesn't seem fair. When I try to help someone and can't. When I can't help someone understand how loved they are. Just in general, when someone I want to be close to, seems so far away, and I can't reach them, or have no right to. When life hurts, sometimes those words will pop into my head. Sometimes they make me feel better. Sometimes they don't.