I have an awful tendency to start writing blog posts around 5am when I can't sleep, then never finishing them. Old habits die hard, and this is something I started writing a month and a half ago.

I'm browsing old posts and am quite amused by how I used to manage to make everything in my life a struggle. I still do this at times (like right now) but I guess I'm getting better at not being angry and frustrated and upset over things I can't change, and at not fighting battles that don't need to exist.

I'm realizing that a lot of the things that troubled me still trouble me - just to a lesser extent. I'm a lot less lost than I was. Or maybe just more okay with being lost? But the main difference between 2007/2008 and 2009/2010, is that I've got much stronger friends now who help me function like a normal, communicative person from time to time, and I love them for it.

At the same time, I'm greedy. I have all these people but I want more. It's been so long since I last felt a shared, intrinsic connection with another person - one that runs deeper than a few shared interests and "You're scared? I'm scared too."

Don't get me wrong - I'm not dismissing connections on those levels. I have that connection with several people and I realize it's a lot more than others have - it's a lot more than I had just a couple years ago. But this is one of the many ways in which I am selfish: I find myself craving something more. I know it exists, I believe in it. I don't have an unwavering faith in pretty much anything, except in the potential for a deep connection that exists between two people.

Besides, I am growing complacent. Too comfortable with what I have. I like it but I know I need to force myself to keep moving. If I don't want more, I'll never find more.

Clearly I'm still using this as a dumping post for self-interested musings that I don't want to force others to listen to. But there are worse things I could do with these. Like force others to listen to them. At 5:20am.

Maybe I can sleep again now.