la la la

A confluence of incidents that have occurred without my fully noticing them, over the course of several years, have left me extremely conscious of some of the ways in which people manipulate each other, and consequently, extremely wary of suspected attempts at manipulation. A person does not have to accept such treatment, and as in anything, has the choice of what he accepts from others. Though of course excuses must be made at times, I am so slowly learning how to choose not to be manipulated, and learning why I'm so fiercely adamant about the importance of learning this. I am learning how to choose how to care for others' whole selves without acting solely as a booster seat to their toddler-sized egos, and how to deal with my anger when I see others acting as such. I am learning how to recognize how much distance is appropriate between two given people, and how to choose how much distance I want between me and others. I am learning how to let some people be as close to me as they let me be to them. I think these are good things.

I am not learning how to deal with how I feel when I don't or can't or don't know how to get what I want. I am not learning how to more effectively figure out what I want. These are not good things.

Baby steps.

if memory only has meaning in a world where time has meaning, then maybe love has no memory.

To Whom It May Concern:

Learning how to love and support people and care about them and be concerned for them without letting it become a source of anxiety and pain is turning out to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I have a really hard time accepting that I sometimes have to say "it's not my problem, I am not responsible for this person's problems or this person's happiness, this person is the only one who can truly make him/herself happy," because I want so much for people to be happy, and other people's happiness makes me happy. It gets very complicated in my little brain and some days I feel like I'm stepping on toes, trying to learn to do it all properly, and I don't like that. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to learn how to be me without letting that anxiety be part of who I am, and I'm finding it to be a lot of hard work. I hope I get better at it soon. Thanks for understanding. Love, me.

loving people is weird.

being loved is weird.

feelings in general are weird.

and it's all really, really hard.