I said you'd work on it and it'd get better and I'd love it and you did and it did and I do and I hate that. I hate that I was right about this but wrong about so much else.

Well, I knew I'd say goodbye
Though it's not my time to cry
And forever and for no one I will let it all go by
And to be myself completely I've just got to say goodbye...

Well, my heart has fallen down
Thought I'd talked myself around
Though we say goodbye and wonder
What's to know and who's to blame
But to be myself completely I will love you just the same.

belle and sebastian

self-indulgent

My birthday is coming up and I'm tempted to just not celebrate again. I'm so tired of parties. I said the other day when I was hanging out with 7 or 8 friends, "I'm never hanging out in big groups again, I hate this, everything just becomes a project, from now on I refuse to hang out with more than two or three other people at a time." I kind of meant it. I don't entirely mean it, of course. I'm just tired of being with people I love and feeling so far away from them at the same time. I've said this before, but in London it was easy to feel far away because I physically was far away. Now it's harder to deal with feeling far away, because I feel so far away, but I'm right here. And everyone is so shrouded in his own cloud of wanting to avoid, his own cloud of drunk, I feel like I can't feel near to anyone. It makes me not want to see anyone. I can't do that though, because I have to go and be human and need people. I don't know what to do any more. I've been on a sobriety kick for a few weeks now, and I broke it last weekend in Baltimore/DC, but I sort of wish I hadn't. It didn't make me feel any better. Drinking usually just gives me an excuse to feel worse, or it acts like a placebo -- it's a panacea that doesn't actually do anything. I don't know.

I just miss everyone.

what am I getting myself into

today I got an internship. I am now the entire development department of a non-profit theater company. they need to raise $60k by the end of the year.

this will end well, right?

right?