self-indulgent

My birthday is coming up and I'm tempted to just not celebrate again. I'm so tired of parties. I said the other day when I was hanging out with 7 or 8 friends, "I'm never hanging out in big groups again, I hate this, everything just becomes a project, from now on I refuse to hang out with more than two or three other people at a time." I kind of meant it. I don't entirely mean it, of course. I'm just tired of being with people I love and feeling so far away from them at the same time. I've said this before, but in London it was easy to feel far away because I physically was far away. Now it's harder to deal with feeling far away, because I feel so far away, but I'm right here. And everyone is so shrouded in his own cloud of wanting to avoid, his own cloud of drunk, I feel like I can't feel near to anyone. It makes me not want to see anyone. I can't do that though, because I have to go and be human and need people. I don't know what to do any more. I've been on a sobriety kick for a few weeks now, and I broke it last weekend in Baltimore/DC, but I sort of wish I hadn't. It didn't make me feel any better. Drinking usually just gives me an excuse to feel worse, or it acts like a placebo -- it's a panacea that doesn't actually do anything. I don't know.

I just miss everyone.