"We do what we can with people with the time we have with them..."

Saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button the other day with my mum. Enjoyed it very much--strong, yet subtle. Very well done. It reminded me of two things that I tend to believe.

1) Everything happens when it's supposed to happen. Everything that happens is a resulting confluence of other happenings and it does so for a reason. What that reason is, and who or what determines it, I don't know. But in my mind, that's how it is.

2) We have a finite amount of time with the people we meet, and all we can do is be grateful for it and enjoy it while it lasts, learn something from it, and let it go when it's run its course. There's no point in trying to hold onto something that has faded away; all that will do is cause you grief. Sometimes I think we try to hold on when we feel interrupted and transplanted--when we're not prepared for the end. Then we don't want to let go. But other times, I think we're given signs, warnings, that the going has gotten rough. We then come to see that perhaps, that a relationship has become tumultuous and corruptive and is doing more harm than good, or that it isn't just changing--it's wilting. That can be tricky, because change can be embraced and both parties can adapt, but some things cannot be overcome. That was the tragedy of The Goat--Martin, Stevie, and Billy loved each other, but something so deeply unsettling and life-altering had occurred, that they did not know if their love for each other could overcome this event that had shaken them each to their core--that had caused them to reevaluate everything they thought they knew.

But I digress. As so often happens at 3 in the morning. Anyway, that's what Benjamin Button reminded me of, with the wide array of characters that Benjamin encountered throughout his life. I'd understand if a critic faulted the script with introducing too many supporting characters that had a very minimal amount of screen time. That worked, to me, though, because it felt real. There were people that Benjamin was close with for years of his life, yet there were some who had a lot of influence over him that he only knew for a short time. Funny enough, even though he was growing younger all the time, he almost never looked back once someone was gone. He just took what he'd learned and loved and moved on to the next stage of his life, the next adventure, the next project. He stayed in the moment. It really is the richest way of living, I think.

And by learning to let go, I don't mean learning not to care. In a way, I think learning to care requires one to learn to let go. And acceptance doesn't often come over night. Though it'd be nice if it did.

I've discovered that I find a lot of comfort and hope in Bruce's words, though, in "Atlantic City":

Everything dies, baby, that's a fact,

But maybe everything that dies, some day comes back.

<3

----------------
Now playing: John Mayer - Love Soon

Timing is everything.

Sometimes I feel like even though the "who" and the "what" are important, maybe they're secondary. Maybe the "when" is really the key.

If there is such a thing as predestination, and set things that are "supposed" to happen, then maybe there is no set time that they're "supposed" to happen. Maybe sometimes things happen when they're not supposed to. Maybe sometimes the timing is off.

To everything, there is a season, eh.

----------------
Now playing: Ingrid Michaelson - Masochist

"Control" is relative.

Me: i hate that, when you can feel the wind pushing your car and you feel like you're not in control of it
Me: haha i guess that would make a good metaphor in a story for life.

I said that tonight. I realized lately how much I don't like not feeling in control of my own life any more. I used to kind of embrace that. But I guess I also used to trust very much that there was some greater force at work, that life just happens the way it happens and there's nothing I can do about it - I just have to roll with it. Then I started having those dreams where my teeth fall out of my mouth randomly, and I guess that was the end of that.

Thinking about this reminded me of June '06. I was walking around with someone one day, and I said how I like the idea that there's something bigger than me in control, and of course, that everything happens for the good. He said he hated that - he hated the idea that he isn't completely in control of his own life. I guess I can understand that better now than I could before. It's funny, I tell people that kind of stuff all the time - that you just do what you can and that's all, that whatever happens, happens, you can't control what other people do, only what you do yourself - and other more hopeful, optimistic viewpoints. It's a wonder that anyone listens to me any more, cause I don't exactly live by that any more. I know I should, and it's really one of those "Do as I say, not as I do" things, but really, I know me - I wouldn't be saying this stuff still if, deep down, I didn't really believe in it.

That reminds me of In Good Company. Topher Grace is in the ad business because he's a hotshot young executive with a life plan to fulfill. Dennis Quaid is the old pro in advertising because he really honestly believes in it - that he's doing a good thing in helping a man promote his independent business, and that sort of thing. Topher realizes advertising isn't for him - that when he does choose a career, he wants to believe in it the way Dennis believes in selling ad space in magazines. I always loved that movie. But I digress.

After mock trial the other day, I was talking to one of the kids who was an attorney this year. They had lost 2/3 of their matches that day; I felt bad for them. Anyway, the one kid says to me, "If there's one thing I've learned, reinforced is probably the better word...it's so important to ensure that you have as much control as possible over your own fate, because once things go from objective to subjective, you've lost the battle." I think I like that. Well, I don't really like it. But I think it's true.

It's strange. When I was little, my parents did teach me that life isn't fair. I learned that life isn't fair, even though it should be, and that even though it isn't, I should treat others fairly, if not mercifully. And I always tried to live up to that. I've realized that even though, based on what I was taught, I didn't exactly expect others to do the same, be the same - fair and forgiving - on some level, I expected people that I respected and was close to, to do that. I think I knew better than to expect people I don't know to live that way, but I don't think I knew enough to expect people that I trusted and respected not to live like that. I didn't know better than to realize that just because I trusted and respected them, and tried to be just and forgiving, that didn't mean that they were going to treat me fairly and mercifully. I wish I had realized that sooner.

Sometimes I wonder if everything really does happen for a reason. In little ways though. Like my abysmal timing. How I manage to run into people when, if I had gone that way just seconds later or earlier, I wouldn't have seen them. Or like, if I drop a folder and have to stop and pick up everything that was in it, but then on my way to class I see someone I wouldn't have seen if I hadn't had to stop and pick up my stuff. That kind of thing. And then I wonder why it is that I had to run into those people. Sometimes it's people that I like seeing; sometimes it's people that I generally hope/think I'll never see again. But even like, the idea that there are no coincidences. "Coincidence is cancelled today," as Eddie Dean would say. Who was it...someone else said, "Everything has a purpose, and it serves you." Or Shakespeare:

"Sweet are the uses of adversity,
Which, like the toad, ugly and venomous,
Wears yet a precious jewel in his head;
And this our life, exempt from human haunt,
Finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks,
Sermons in stones, and good in everything."
- As You Like It

----------------
Now playing: Bright Eyes - Classic Cars

"To die so young is more than merely dying; it is to lose so large a part of life..."

"Don't it always seem to go,
That you don't know what you got till it's gone?"
- Joni Mitchell, "Big Yellow Taxi"

So my Facebook homepage feed told me today that a guy I had a class with last year joined a group called "Stay Strong Nick." Description: "To a brother who could always make us smile, you're forever in our thoughts and prayer, we love you brother." Recent News: "Nov. 3- Nick was in a severe car accident last night. *Nov. 4, Nick passed away late this afternoon...our deepest condolences go out to his family." Related group: "STAY STRONG GARY..YOU ARE IN OUR PRAYERS". Description: "PLease leave and stories or memories you have of Gary. RIP GARY DEVERCELLY..you will always be in our hearts..we will never forget you "CALI" We love you G-Baby 9.4.88- 3.30.07"

This is the part that Blogger keeps deleting on me that I've written twice already and am now trying to remember:

I hate these groups. Mostly because there are too many of them. Far too many. It's lovely that people gather together to share memories and love for a lost loved one, but none of them should be lost. No matter what the reason - an uncontrollable terminal illness, a freak accident - it's a tragedy every time. Too often, I feel like it's probably the result of some reckless act of youth. When we're young, we have this subconscious belief that we are impervious, that we are immortal. I hate that. Nothing can touch us or hurt us. I feel like this is almost a natural, inherent attitude, that occurs in everyone in various degrees. Bad things don't happen to us, or to the people we love - only to other people. Other people get into horrible car accidents, other people get alcohol poisoning and die, other people get assaulted - it's always other people. And this attitude is reflected in what we do. We get careless and thoughtless, we take so-called "calculated" risks that only calculate what we risk in terms of ourselves, not in terms of others. We do stupid things because "it's only one time" or "just this once." We flirt with fate, because nothing can get to us - nothing can reach us, in our youth. We've got it all: we're young, we're healthy, we're carefree, and we've got our whole lives ahead of us.

Except that's not always the case. Bad things happen. Often to people who don't deserve to have bad things happen to them. But they happen. And when tragedy strikes, we feel it deeply, but often only fleetingly. We mourn in that dramatic melancholy that belongs only to the young - the kind that lasts only a while before our world moves on, and in a sense, we forget that it ever happened or could ever happen again. Not everyone does this, but many do. And then we go back to our reckless lifestyles until one day, we stop, for whatever reason - there are many.


"Like the wind crying endlessly through the universe, Time carries away the names and the deeds of conquerers and commoners alike. And all that we are, all that remains, is in the memories of those who cared we came this way for a brief moment."
- Harlan Ellison


We never really value our lives or the moments we're given. There's so much in every mundane, little moment that we take for granted. Cracking a joke with a stranger. Sitting around in silence with a friend. Meeting someone new. Going on a trip. Getting a new job. Listening to a speaker. Eating your favorite food. Dancing. Taking a solitary walk. Splashing through puddles. Alone, these things are simple experiences that everyone can understand. Woven together, they're your life.


"There is so much in the world for us all if we only have the eyes to see it, and the heart to love it, and the hand to gather it to ourselves--so much in men and women, so much in art and literature, so much everywhere in which to delight, and for which to be thankful."
- L. M. Montgomery


We waste a lot of time being angry. I guess that's okay, on one level - without the anger and pain and bitterness and negative emotions and bad moods, the good stuff wouldn't seem so great. But letting that control us - it'll drive you nuts. Shakespeare said, "Sweet are the uses of adversity," and they are. Everything that we experience, it becomes a part of us, and being positive about everything we experience makes our overall life that much sweeter. Of course, that's easier said than done.


"I don't know, you know, I always think that if I could just accept the fact that my life was supposed to be difficult, you know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'd just be glad when something nice happens."
- Jesse, Before Sunrise


I guess we just do the best we can and that's all there really is...

I dunno. I'm not really succeeding in the whole transposing thought/feeling to words deal tonight.

Haha. On that note, one last quote:

"I quote others only in order to better express myself."
- Michel de Montaigne