Anticlimactic.

The past two weeks, I've mostly been too busy, too cranky, or too overwhelmed to write anything.

Super lame, right.

I don't really have anything to say right now, either. Womp womp.

I realized before that I've put a couple hundred miles on my car since getting home on Friday, purely from driving up and down Rt. 35 aimlessly so much.

I do a lot of that when I'm home--driving around feeling frustrated and angry and lonely and scared and like a failure and trying to pinpoint why I feel that way.

Is summer over yet?

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Now playing: She & Him - I Thought I Saw Your Face Today

I know that I know it.

"The response we make when we 'believe' a work of the imagination is that of saying: 'This is the way things are. I have always known it without being fully aware that I knew it. Now in the presence of this play or novel or poem (or picture or piece of music) I know that I know it.'"
- Thornton Wilder

I would add "person" to that list.
Art is an awakening to something you always knew existed but were never quite aware of.
You could say the same about love, I suppose.
I love being woken up. Especially by people I know.

A poem.

I'm in the middle of hurrying to write 3 more pages about the Holocaust in media in the next hour, but I had a moment of inspiration(?) so I stopped and jotted this down. It needs work, but I like it. Especially the fat lady.

hidden gazes
stolen glances
across a crowded room.

soon, I say
I’ll walk on by
nonchalant
casual like.
trying not to stare at her…
there’s a lump in my throat.
she turns.
I duck and cover
behind the fat lady
with the red purse
and three kids who go running by.
I peer…
she's still there.
the brats spill fruit punch
on my shoes.
over the fat lady’s shoulder, I see
the laugh rises in her throat.
she chokes it back
but her eyes can’t lie.
amid the chaos they dance

and then
the fat lady moves

and there he is.
his dark eyes widen.
in the headlights, he freezes
crimson climbing up his cheeks
like a bounty paper towel
soaking up spilled punch.
I can’t hear anything.
just Bach running through my head
the lone cello…
I can’t see anything.
the fat lady has dissolved and it’s only
him.
the second lasts for hours in my mind
and when the music stops
he turns away.
I’m not blind.
you don’t want to look me in the eyes
because that’s the only place you see yourself
because you know I always see you.
I see you.
I see you.

Generally speaking, I think we lose a little and gain a little every day. Some days we lose more than others; some days we gain more. Keeping it in balance and finding the perspective to see the gains outstrip the losses is how we keep on keeping on.

"We choose love...

...We choose anger. We choose happiness. We choose boredom. You pick and choose based on the rush you give your body when it experiences a certain emotion. Some people, or the lack of some people, help you to trigger these emotions. So if you want Joy, all you have to do is trigger it yourself."

- Jason Mraz

I have discovered that recently, I have acquired the ability to trigger joy myself. There are about a thousand different things (and people...) right now that should be (and normally would be) making me stressed out, angry, upset, sad, and a ton of other not-so-pleasant. emotions. But I'm actually embracing my anger and frustration and disappointment and riding it out, for the most part, and enjoying the experience and the moment. It's kind of a miracle, given how super sensitive and overly-caring I am, and my tendency to let things get me down. I'm feeling buoyant though, and I like it. I said to someone today that I'm a pretty happy person, and right now, that's actually true. I'm pretty proud of that.

I suppose that explains why I haven't written so much on here lately. Haven't felt the need to. I like feeling like that, sometimes--compelled to obsess, to try to write out my frustrations. I like not needing to do that, too, though. Or channeling it into something different and more creative. That, I need to do more. And I still need more discipline. But in general, I'm okay with myself and my life right now. That'll probably change once school's over, but we'll see...