July 2009, I wrote this: "I feel like I keep realizing more and more how impermanent everything is, lately. It's like my life is oscillating between highs and lows, except the lows seem to last much longer and run more deeply than the highs, and when I hit the highs, I'm preoccupied by trying to make them last longer instead of just enjoying them. And when I get to the lows, I get bogged down from remembering the highs instead of just either a) trying to get to new highs or b) waiting for them to come."
Now it's March 2010, and I'm feeling this push and pull, this ebb and flow, more strongly than ever - in different ways. It doesn't feel like I'm doing the experience justice to simply characterize it as moving from high to low. It's a multidimensional shift - describing it as merely a line on a graph is not enough.
It's a shift from viewing life in terms of fighting and struggling, to viewing it as a journey.
It's a shift from fighting against what I can't change, to accepting it and trying to change what I can.
It's a shift from passively accepting what happens to me, to actively making things happen for myself.
It's a shift from optimism to pessimism, from idealism to cynicism, from hope to despair, from patience to frustration, from caring too much to total apathy, from being content in the moment to wanting something more.
It's watching the sunset, then needing the sunrise.
It's wanting what I can't have, then not wanting it when I have it.
It's wanting space, then needing intimacy.
I believe in everyone, then I don't trust anyone.
I have faith in humanity, and then I see nothing but doubt.
I believe in my perspective, and then I don't know which way is up.
It's all of these and more, crossing a graph simultaneously but hitting the highs and lows at different times. The shifts are erratic - the patterns are irregular. I don't mind having highs and lows, I really don't. I just wish there was more consistency to them. More balance, if you will. Maybe it would be less overwhelming.
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