terrified of losing memories
dying to forget

"I sit there, eyes shut, plunging into darkness. How long will this winter last? A killing winter, the Colonel had said. And it has only begun. Will my shadow survive? No, the question is, will I survive, uncertain as I am?" (Murakami 225)

1) content

2) delivery

3) diction

I laugh a lot at 2 and 3 when most people don't. Usually because they conflict with each other or with 1 and present a funny juxtaposition of a statement but people almost always think I'm laughing at 1 and thus think I'm making fun but I'm not! I JUST LIKE WORDS.

why am I so bored with my life?

If you never expect anything, you're never disappointed!

It doesn't really work like that, though, does it?

This is so frustrating. I'd give just about anything to be in NJ right now.

Tuesday.

The cold snap that had turned the city into a subzero meat locker for the last fortnight was over, but still, the bitter wind that whipped off the water stung my wet face. At the end of the bridge, I could see The Beatles (now on iTunes!) staring mockingly at me from the side of the BFI IMAX. George, Paul, John, and Ringo, all twenty meters tall, all judging me silently -- especially Paul.

"I see in front of me a very real, intelligent girl with two BA's. You can do this." What was intended as encouragement felt like criticism, especially sandwiched as it was in between mild, veiled reprimands. It only made me feel worse. Where do these expectations come from, anyway? Why do I insist on unconsciously demanding to be considered as such? And what does it mean to be "real"?

I stopped on the bridge. Behind me, Embankment and Parliament glowed warm and golden in the early dusk. In front of me, the trees and shops along South Bank glared icy white and azure, with the National Theatre and the Millennium Wheel complementing them in a defiantly electric blue. On a flat barge on the Thames stood two magnificent evergreens, decked in lights.

It's too much. I don't deserve all this.

I kept walking. "Welcome to Lambeth." I paused beneath the IMAX.

You don't have to look at me like that, Paul, okay? I know. I know.

Maybe we've got it all wrong. Maybe loving someone is the easy part. Maybe love is easy, and respect is hard.

what am I doing!

There are a thousand other things I should be doing right now but I can't get my mind off the fact that none of it feels right. I'm an awful MA student and I don't have the intellect or patience for/interest in academia or formal theory that one needs to really want this, and I don't have the background or patience for any kind of MFA program, and I don't think I'd want to anyway. I'm tired of just writing about art all the time and researching it and all that and being judged on how well I do it. I want to make things but I don't know what to make and I don't think I have anything much to say about anything, nothing poetic enough for anything worthwhile at least, and it's frustrating. I'm not any kind of an artist. The only thing I am for sure right now is a student, and a bad one at that. I'm not a photographer; I just take mediocre pictures sometimes. I'm not a writer; I just bullshit sometimes. I can't draw or paint or do anything musical or anything like that. I dabble. And drift. And pretend. I can see things and feel them and recognize the value of the experience but I can't create it for others and I can't capture it for anyone and I don't know what I'm doing but I'm tired of constantly feeling like I want to be anywhere but here, everywhere I go, and I'm tired of feeling like I can't do anything right or well or adequately for anyone, least of all myself. I know I shouldn't complain and I know that if I'm unhappy I need to either just suck it up and stop bitching, or do something about it, but what should I do? I have to finish what I started so I guess I have 9 months to figure it out. Ohhhh that's depressing. I think I'm careening toward an unknown edge and don't want any kind of help getting centered again but wobbling to find balance isn't working out so well and this teetering is sort of getting out of control.

I hate this time of year.

<--end narcissistic insecure confused self-reflection-->

Hiding in plain sight is hard work.

PRIDE.

Okay, so like, I was watching Love Actually yesterday, and oh em gee, I love that movie like, so much. It's super cute and there are so many hot dudes in it. Colin Firth? Hugh Grant? RODRIGO SANTORO? He totally breaks my heart though. UGH when Laura Linney doesn't sleep with him because of what she feels are her obligations to her brother? KILLS ME. I want to be like, OH MY GOD JUST TURN OFF YOUR PHONE AND SLEEP WITH THE SWEET GORGEOUS MAN WHO IS TELLING YOU THAT HE THINKS YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. But of course she doesn't. Gets me every time yo. I cry inside. And sometimes IRL.

The only other sort of unhappy ending in that movie is Emma Thompson. She is so adorbz. And soooo classy. She knows her husband is cheating on her, she warns him about it, and he still goes and falls into Skinny Office Bitch's trap anyway! H8 U SKINNY OFFICE BITCH. And I always want to be like, ALAN RICKMAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING STOP SCREWING EMMA OVER SHE DOESN'T DESERVE THAT. Because in a way, it's so NOT about the fact that it happened. It's about the fact that it happened and EVERYONE KNOWS. When she calls him out on it, he doesn't deny it, and calls himself a classic fool, but she points out to him: "You've made ME a fool. You've made the life I lead FOOLISH." And then she goes and praises her awful son Bernard and her nameless daughter and tells them they made rockin Nativity lobsters because she rules.

That's what it's about though, in a way, isn't it? PRIDE. It hurts, knowing that someone you trusted and love has in some way betrayed you. But like, it's almost worse - maybe it IS worse - to be made to look foolish before the rest of the world. It's like, you were taken advantage of, you were used, and you trusted when perhaps you shouldn't have - you should have known better. And of course that's silly and irrational, but that's how it feels, right? Everyone will know and everyone will judge and somehow it will be YOUR fault, because who could respect someone that lets her husband who supposedly loves her go sleep with a Skinny Office Bitch? How can you respect yourself for being such a fool? You let your feelings cloud your judgement and it's embarrassing. In a way, I think the blow to one's pride hurts more than the betrayal itself. And like, how lame is that? To be more afraid of having your pride hurt more than of being emotionally hurt. That's more disgusting, more embarrassing, than actually having it happen.

Ugh. Pride, man. It's the worst.

'tis the season, folks

Why is the giving of one's self so valuable?

"...I think the best way to approach this is to start close to home, right in the gut, and then ponder what it teaches us. And the plain fact is that giving “feels right”—feels good, actually. Life seems to be better, friendlier, more connected, more whole, more flowing when we participate in it by givingness rather than taking. And giving isn’t just money and possessions; even more importantly, we give our attention, our listening ear, our commitment, our presence. And out of this giving, life seems to relax and go deeper. Connections open up, trust builds. It’s like oil on the cogwheels of life." (Bourgeault)

It's a high, and it's addictive, but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.

oh hey December.

Sagittarius

1 Dec 2010

You may try to ignore messages from your subconscious now, but the advice you receive from yourself is likely better than what you get from others. You might believe that you're open to listening to your intuition, but a part of you recognizes your emotional limits and you're afraid to stretch beyond them. Be careful; you could lose a wonderful opportunity for love if you become so inflexible that you miss what's right in front of your nose.