what am I doing!

There are a thousand other things I should be doing right now but I can't get my mind off the fact that none of it feels right. I'm an awful MA student and I don't have the intellect or patience for/interest in academia or formal theory that one needs to really want this, and I don't have the background or patience for any kind of MFA program, and I don't think I'd want to anyway. I'm tired of just writing about art all the time and researching it and all that and being judged on how well I do it. I want to make things but I don't know what to make and I don't think I have anything much to say about anything, nothing poetic enough for anything worthwhile at least, and it's frustrating. I'm not any kind of an artist. The only thing I am for sure right now is a student, and a bad one at that. I'm not a photographer; I just take mediocre pictures sometimes. I'm not a writer; I just bullshit sometimes. I can't draw or paint or do anything musical or anything like that. I dabble. And drift. And pretend. I can see things and feel them and recognize the value of the experience but I can't create it for others and I can't capture it for anyone and I don't know what I'm doing but I'm tired of constantly feeling like I want to be anywhere but here, everywhere I go, and I'm tired of feeling like I can't do anything right or well or adequately for anyone, least of all myself. I know I shouldn't complain and I know that if I'm unhappy I need to either just suck it up and stop bitching, or do something about it, but what should I do? I have to finish what I started so I guess I have 9 months to figure it out. Ohhhh that's depressing. I think I'm careening toward an unknown edge and don't want any kind of help getting centered again but wobbling to find balance isn't working out so well and this teetering is sort of getting out of control.

I hate this time of year.

<--end narcissistic insecure confused self-reflection-->