I wonder if I'll ever shake the emotional associations I have with certain songs.....

I don't understand why I can't let myself feel like I deserve to be loved, like I deserve to be cared for. Why does it seen normal to feel this hurt all the time? Why do I feel like it's wrong to demand more from the people who claim to love me? Why don't I feel entitled to happiness? I don't get it. I don't know how to fix myself.

It's unfair, isn't it? To know that you can't get what you want or need from certain people, but be unable to distance yourself from them. It's a lose-lose situation. Distance yourself, and you lose the good aspects of the relationship; stay close, and you feel starved for what that relationship can't give you.

I keep saying that I don't know what to do, and it keeps getting suggested to me that I need to stop thinking of my feelings as things I need to do something about. But how else do I make them go away? How do I make them stop?

Ugh.

WHY AM I SO BAD AT HAVING FEELINGS.

everyone just keeps telling me to stop worrying so much about my life and lack of productivity, and to just focus on taking care of me. well, what if I don't want to? and what if I don't know how?

It's recently been pointed out to me that I have a tendency to express feelings of anger through tears. I cry when I'm sad and depressed, I cry when I'm frustrated and feeling unable to communicate what I want to, but I also cry when I'm angry. I rarely yell or even speak with hostility. I don't like conflict. I try to avoid it. I'm the diplomat, more often than not - the peacemaker, the person always ready to apologize or forgive first. And usually when I'm angry, I'm so overwhelmed and surprised by the feeling that I'm speechless, and I don't know what to say or how to react, and then the next thing you know the tears are flowing. Characteristically enough, I'll try to brush it off and ignore the fact that I'm feeling anything, or find reasons to condemn my anger as irrational. But that sometimes (okay, frequently) leads me to being passive aggressive, channeling my anger into scathingly sarcastic comments that are totally unnecessary. But mostly I just cry.

I don't understand why I do this. It's almost as though I don't feel justified in being angry, so instead I internalize it and become upset with myself. I don't understand it. Why I can't just let myself experience the feelings that I have every right to feel? Ugh. I hate feelings and being sensitive and all that. It never leads to anything good.

I hate feeling disappointed in places where I thought I had zero expectations. Disappointment squared.