It's so strange. I feel like I've grown a lot in the past year. Not even. In the past 6 months. At the same time, I feel so young still. Like now is my time to just have fun and not worry too much about the future. And I hate wondering if I don't do things for myself now (traveling, etc.) if I'll ever get the chance to later in life, and if I do, will it mean as much as it would now? I dunno. It's such an odd paradox - feeling so old, and so young at the same time. Those little contradictions fascinate me.
That old crew feels so far away - like it was so long ago, so much more than a few months. And I feel like I'm the one that left, moved forward - like they're still back there, in their same old routines and issues. That sounds supremely arrogant, and I know it's foolish and condescending to think for even a second that I've grown and changed and they haven't. It just seems like I've developed a way, over the years, of being ready to move forward before the majority is. I was ready to leave elementary, intermediate, and high schools before my last years at each. I left the elementary/intermediate group, and now I've left my high school/post-graduation group. The second group changed me so much, and helped me get past the first - they meant so much to me, and it wasn't so long ago that I couldn't imagine life without them. And now there are new people who are helping me get over those I thought I couldn't live without - new people who, mostly, have no idea how much they helped me this summer, how much they now mean to me. I haven't really told them, either. If there's anything good out of it all, it's that the good ones stick around - I've got a few friends that go back to elementary/intermediate, a few from high school, and a couple from just after, that I know will always be there in some form or another. And those, I know, are way too good to lose - really.
After I wrote that bit on love the other day, there was one person I wanted to read it - the first I thought of, and at first, the only one I wanted to send it to. I didn't. I can't. Not any more. It depressed me. I sent it to 3 others instead, and that in itself is quite a feat, for me. Haha. It's not quite the same, though...
One of his phrases always sticks out in my mind, from a letter he wrote me last fall trying to help me through my rough time. I finally finished my poem using it, that I wrote about 5 lines of months ago and never completed. It's eh.
“Jaded is death”
Of your soul, spirit, dreams
Float coolly away, severing all connections
Between beauty and everything else
Is secondary, meaningless
Petty fights, behaving like children
Grow old, but never really grow up
To realize your potential
Genius, talents, wonders
What we’ve become
Blind, self-absorbed, rusted
Cogs in a broken machine
Endlessly spinning on and on
The brink of tolerance you teeter
Off the edge into pools of frustration
Coursing through your body like water flows
Aggravated disappointment
To yourself most of all
You can do is fight
The complacency, dark and growing
Apathy, distorting your vision with disinterest
Spreads like a viral disease
Taints you, mind and soul
Shines out beneath the muck
Rinses away
Falls the cynicism, the bitterness
Tastes almost sweet
Is the sound of the rain relenting
Life returning
Now you see
Beauty
Worth
You.
It reminds me of him. I feel like I've actually regressed the past couple weeks. It sounds so cliche to say someone haunts your dreams, but in this case, it's true...a couple someones, actually. It's really not cool. Otherwise, I'm so more than satisfied with life right now...not in a complacent way, but in an accepting way. And yes, there is a difference.
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Listening to: John Mayer - Why Georgia
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Listening to: Rob Thomas - Ever the Same
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