So this is actually pretty funny.

Today I felt overwhelmingly in touch with reality. Meaning, I was stuck in a stupidly pessimistic mood all day.

Seriously though, all I kept thinking today was, "Wow. Life sucks." And I didn't just mean my life, and I didn't just mean the way things are now. I mean The Way Things Are (Babe, right) in general. Being an adult holds absolutely no appeal to me today. Just being in general doesn't hold much appeal to me today. (No, I'm not suicidal, I swear. Just a little grouchy.) Anyway, I still blame registration.

In 7 hours, I have a class that I feel is a complete waste of my time. Immediately afterwards, I have an appointment with the convener of the Contemporary Arts contract major, which I'm a little nervous about. I was warned that unless I have a very legitimate reason to want to switch from Communications to Contemporary Arts, and none of the other Comm Arts concentrations will give me what I want, and I have a clear, distinct plan for what courses I want to take and what kind of focus I want, I'm not going to be allowed to switch. In which case I'd have to settle for switching to the Writing concentration in Comm Arts. There are fewer courses that I don't want to take in Writing than there are in Media/Cinema Studies. Except it'll stink if I have to do that, still, because then I'll lose the few Media/Cinema Studies courses I want, I still won't be able to take "Children's and Adolescent Literature" or "Photojournalism," and it'll just be lame. Not that it possibly won't be lame either way. But anyway. After that, at 2, I have Idea Development. Then I have to work on and upload my pictures for Digital Photography (self-portraits, all of which I hate) and then work 7-9:30. I have a midterm Wednesday that I need to cram for, too.

All in all, I can't shake the feeling that this all could just be a waste of time and money. I don't know what I want to do. I can't go to the Contemporary Arts convener and tell him that I want these specific classes because they'll help me in the field of work that I wish to enter, because I don't know what damn field that is. Writing for a newspaper? Criticizing for a magazine? Screenwriting? Photographer? Starving author? Museum curator? Librarian? Okay, maybe not a librarian. But really. I may end up doing something where I don't even need a damn degree. I haven't the slightest idea to what I should devote the rest of my life.

And then I thought about how scary that is, that uncertainty. And then I thought about how scary being an adult is, in general. Having a job/career. Having bills to pay, rent/mortgage to pay. Finding a place to live to begin with. Taking a leap of faith and getting married. Heck, forget marriage - finding someone you love enough to marry is huge - there are so many people out there, and the way we're becoming more and more conditioned to isolate ourselves, connecting with people isn't exactly easy. And then once you do get married, having kids and being fully responsible for them as well as yourself, and raising them. Being a good parent. It's all ridiculously, ludicrously frightening. Laughably, really. And why? Why do we toil through all that? It's painful as hell. So why. Why. What's the point.

I never really get like this. I guess I'm feeling morbid today.

I was talking to my suitemate the other day about how, in The View From Saturday, E. L. Konigsberg's various characters basically say that these are the 3 main reasons for the decline of Western civilization: 1) The kids of this generation know how to nit-pick, but not how to write a B&B letter. 2) The ballpoint pen - it's cheap, quick, and completely without character. 3) People don't take time to take tea at four o'clock. At that last one, Kay starts talking about how much more relaxed people are in other countries - the way the some cultures stop all work in the middle of the day for siestas, the way the English always have tea at four, etc. It really made me think of how we're so conditioned, in the United States, to move fast. We rush around, schedule ourselves so tightly that we haven't got any time for ourselves, let alone for a nap or tea every day at the same time. We always have a goal - there's always something better that we're trying to achieve, the grass is always greener - this is impressed upon us deeply from the time we are children. The society in which we live stipulates that we must work hard and push ourselves to the breaking point when we are in high school, in order to get into a "good" college. Once we get there, it's not just fun and games - we have to keep up our academic and athletic and artistic performances so we can get into graduate school; we have to be very "involved" so we can get placed in good internships. And we need to have good connections - in an increasingly competitive job market (since there are more and more people qualified for professional jobs with the increase in college attendance), it's all about who you know, right? The internships and good grades are supposed to help us get good jobs. Once we have said jobs, we are constantly trying to improve our status at work. Get a raise or a promotion. Make more money. All that jazz. You end up barely having enough time to breathe. A career is not your life, it's how you make a living so you can have a life. Except these days, it turns into your life.

One of the only things I liked about the movie The Last Kiss was something Rachel Bilson said, which is strange because I hated her character most of all:

Kim: Having a crisis are we?
Michael: Do I look like I'm having a crisis?
Kim: Everyone I know is having a crisis. I know you're not supposed to get them until midlife but I think something's happening to our metabolism
Michael: Our metabolism?
Kim: [nods] Yeah, I mean the world is moving so fast now, we are all chasing something so fast that we start freaking out long before our parents did. Feel my heart.
[puts his hand in her chest]
Kim: Feel how fast it is?
Michael:...that's a fast heart.
Kim: ‘Cause we don't ever stop to breathe anymore...
[takes his hand off her chest]
Kim: You gotta remember to breathe or you'll die.

I can't imagine life post-college. I really can't imagine being done with school. Okay, so if I go to grad school, then it'll still be a while. But I can't picture what my life will be like when I'm done with school. I think some people become teachers just because they don't want to have to know what their lives would be like outside of school. Ugh. I don't want to teach. In theory it sounds great - helping people learn, enlightening them, being a part of their lives for a while - in practice, not so much. Unless it's either a private school or a good college or university or something. Even then, not so great these days.

Bleh. I better snap out of this soon. I really have to get my act together and start focusing on my classes more. I need motivation again. I keep losing it. Bleh.


"We don't have much room...
We all need a little more room to live."


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Listening to: Something Corporate - Konstantine