Apathy is a heartless beast.

Sometimes I feel like I spend too much time being angry, but honestly, I'd rather be angry than apathetic. So many people I see are filled with this meaningless apathy, this emptiness and complete lack of desire to do anything or be anything. They have no passion, no spirit, no vim. It's the worst in today's youth, the people who have the most to care about, the most energy, the most potential - they have their whole lives in front of them.

I love meeting people who are hungry for life, in any way, especially creatively, or even intellectually. "Intellectually curious," haha. People who challenge me, who inspire me, who show me new ways of thinking or of seeing things. People who make me feel free.

Yesterday I wrote that it bothers me that so many people feel the need to hide themselves and act like someone they're not, yet at the same time, it amazes me that there are any people who are fully and wholly just themselves, or even remotely close. There is so much in this world that binds and restrains us, that holds us back and prevents us from embracing ourselves. It's one of the things I love about the arts. Art is liberating. So many people who are inhibited in the practical world are free to be themselves in their art, be it painting, sculpture, photography, music, theater, dance, writing, or anything else. I guess that's one reason I couldn't stay away from writing - here, there are no rules, no boundaries, nothing stopping me from just being myself, no matter how flawed and imperfect and contemptible. I suppose I could keep it to myself, but I guess by posting it in what is technically a public forum, I don't feel like I'm hiding as much as I really am, and as much as I tell myself I'm upfront and unaffected among others, I know that truly, I'm never as free with most of the people I know as I am in my writing. I hate it, but I'm working on it.

Though I hate that I keep coming back to Venice, one thing I truly loved about being there is that I felt freer in waking life than ever before. I was accepted and loved and it was easy to just be myself, to love myself, and to love others. Even though others tend to see me as anti-social and not fond of many people, it's really pretty easy for me to find the best in people and love them for it, and as much as I don't like a lot of people, I love the people I do like even more. I'm a lot more passionate than I let on, I think. Which, I guess, makes life even harder. Someone once told me you can't be loved if you can't be hated. I 'd rather be hated that dismissed completely. Indifference and apathy are worse than hatred. So I've gone full circle - bottom line: do whatever it takes not to be apathetic. To me, it's pretty much the worst thing you can be.

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Now playing: John Mayer - Bigger Than My Body

Haha. I just realized that apathy is the last thing I wrote about in May before I stopped blogging. Clearly I'm paying attention to what I'm writing about.