GET ANGRY

Buff: Yo man, you're getting me all upset here.
Jeff: You should get upset! Everyone should get upset... It's my duty as a human being to get pissed off. Not that it makes any difference in the first place. Nothing ever fucking changes... It's all so fucking futile!
Tim: If it's all so fucking futile what the fuck are you so fucking upset about, fuckhead?
Jeff: I'm fucking alienated.
Buff: Me, too! I'm alienated, too. But at least there's Oreos.


...I don't even really like Oreos.

Apathy is a heartless beast.

Sometimes I feel like I spend too much time being angry, but honestly, I'd rather be angry than apathetic. So many people I see are filled with this meaningless apathy, this emptiness and complete lack of desire to do anything or be anything. They have no passion, no spirit, no vim. It's the worst in today's youth, the people who have the most to care about, the most energy, the most potential - they have their whole lives in front of them.

I love meeting people who are hungry for life, in any way, especially creatively, or even intellectually. "Intellectually curious," haha. People who challenge me, who inspire me, who show me new ways of thinking or of seeing things. People who make me feel free.

Yesterday I wrote that it bothers me that so many people feel the need to hide themselves and act like someone they're not, yet at the same time, it amazes me that there are any people who are fully and wholly just themselves, or even remotely close. There is so much in this world that binds and restrains us, that holds us back and prevents us from embracing ourselves. It's one of the things I love about the arts. Art is liberating. So many people who are inhibited in the practical world are free to be themselves in their art, be it painting, sculpture, photography, music, theater, dance, writing, or anything else. I guess that's one reason I couldn't stay away from writing - here, there are no rules, no boundaries, nothing stopping me from just being myself, no matter how flawed and imperfect and contemptible. I suppose I could keep it to myself, but I guess by posting it in what is technically a public forum, I don't feel like I'm hiding as much as I really am, and as much as I tell myself I'm upfront and unaffected among others, I know that truly, I'm never as free with most of the people I know as I am in my writing. I hate it, but I'm working on it.

Though I hate that I keep coming back to Venice, one thing I truly loved about being there is that I felt freer in waking life than ever before. I was accepted and loved and it was easy to just be myself, to love myself, and to love others. Even though others tend to see me as anti-social and not fond of many people, it's really pretty easy for me to find the best in people and love them for it, and as much as I don't like a lot of people, I love the people I do like even more. I'm a lot more passionate than I let on, I think. Which, I guess, makes life even harder. Someone once told me you can't be loved if you can't be hated. I 'd rather be hated that dismissed completely. Indifference and apathy are worse than hatred. So I've gone full circle - bottom line: do whatever it takes not to be apathetic. To me, it's pretty much the worst thing you can be.

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Now playing: John Mayer - Bigger Than My Body

Haha. I just realized that apathy is the last thing I wrote about in May before I stopped blogging. Clearly I'm paying attention to what I'm writing about.

Theater - Musical and Dramatic. And Joan.

Every time I see a great play or musical performed well, I contemplate completely abandoning my American Studies and Contemporary Arts majors to study theater management. Seriously. There is nothing quite like the experience of a good show. Les Mis, Thoroughly Modern Millie, Hairspray, Wicked, and Spring Awakening really aren't overrated in any way, shape or form, when you see them live, and Peter & Jerry and August: Osage County make up for five of the most enthralling, and mentally and emotionally stimulating hours of my life.

I was just thinking about this because I went to see Spring Awakening again today, with my mum. I didn't fully appreciate or enjoy it the first time around, and I'm so glad I got to see it with Jonathan Groff and Lea Michelle before they leave next week, even if John Gallagher Jr. has left already. It's an utterly brilliant show that I wish everyone I know could see. Not just hear the music from it - see it, live. It's such a different experience, hearing it and seeing it. You get so much more from seeing it, seeing the emotion in front of you. All the kids in that show (plus the two adults) give amazingly intense, energetic performances that are so emotionally draining for the audience, I can't imagine what it must be like to be in or work on the show what, eight times a week? I don't think I could ever really get tired of working on a truly brilliant show like that, though. The performers' dedication and passion are contagious.

Speaking of passion. Isn't it sad how apathetic people are? Including myself, though I finally seem to be finding a way out of that. How wonderful would it be if more people were enthusiastically passionate about living a good life? I like people like that. The people who challenge me, who rile me up and make me reaffirm my beliefs and reevaluate myself, who just unconsciously remind me of why everything is worthwhile in the end. I like that. I need that.

Lastly: 2 Joan quotes! : D

Joan: Why are you running away? You don’t seem to mind getting in people’s faces except for when it matters.
Grace: Oh, save it.
Joan: You hide Luke! Which yeah, okay, I kind of understand, but you hide your mom, you hide all the important stuff, Grace. Look, I’m not Jewish, but it seems to me this whole bat mitzvah thing is about standing up and declaring yourself! Getting in people’s faces for real.

Grace [at her bat mitzvah]: I know we’re all bonding here with the singing, but seriously, that is a bad song. [laughter] Anyway, me and my dad have been fighting about this day since I hit the double digits, and uh, I won’t go into it . . . It was a political thing, and a daughter of a rabbi thing, but finally, I gave in and indulged them in one last empty ritual before I’m outta here. But then, um, not to get all gooey, or anything like that . . . [turning to look at her father] When you handed me the Torah, and I read those words, it hit me: this is a genius way of attacking adulthood. I mean this scroll – there are no easy answers in here. It’s basically a book of questions, something that makes us keep searching for a way to make sense of this mess. And just dealing with a lot of questions, that takes a lot of guts when there’s no guarantee that there will be answers. And, uh, I just hope I’m up for it. So, fire up that cheesy music and let’s eat!

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Now playing: Bbmak - Miss You More

"Wanna go get a drink?" "Yeah. I've had a shit day." "I've had a shit year."

1) I've been awake since 5:06 a.m., and I think that's completely unreasonable and unfair. I should be asleep right now. My brain should be asleep right now. Sleeping is my escape time. I guess that's wrong and probably a sign of clinical depression or some other psychological condition, but whatever. How I choose to get through life right now is my own business and I am perfectly capable of handling everything.

2) The title sums up my week. I don't even want to think about it. I just want this week to be over.

3) I was thinking the other day about how arrogant so many people are, and it made me really wonder. What is it that gives people the idea that they are better than others? Why do so many people think that because, say, they're slightly more intelligent than the average person, that makes them better human beings? Or more entitled to being happy? It sounds ridiculous that people think that way, but they do, even if it's subconsciously. It's annoying, because it's so completely wrong. But how do they arrive at that point? Is arrogance an inherited or acquired trait? If it's acquired, I'm inclined to think that it comes in part because somewhere along the line, we're being taught it. Like, for instance, in being praised by adults for being smart, intelligent children aren't learning the distinction that while it's something to take pride in, it doesn't necessarily make them better than others. They're not taught that there's more to being a good person than being smart. That might be a completely "liberal" attitude, but whatever. ( ;

I'm also inclined to think that in many people, arrogance is facade. It's a defense, a mask to hide insecurities, a lack of self-confidence, etc. I suppose that's understandable, but is it acceptable? I don't know why I just asked that question. I don't even think it's a relevant query. It doesn't really matter, does it? And I also have to think that arrogance can also be falsely attributed, that other traits/attitudes can be misinterpreted as arrogance. I mostly just have to think that as I've been told my shyness has been considered arrogance. It's annoying, but I suppose it's my own fault, and I don't care enough to change my behavior just so that people I don't know or care to know don't automatically assume I'm arrogant because I'm quiet. I have no idea what most people think of me, what kind of person / who they think I am, and I've given up trying to figure it out. Apathy is a bitch. Haha. Or maybe not in this case. Is it still apathy if you clearly take the time to think about it? Whatever. Again, irrelevant. And annoying.

Speaking of annoying, this is a complete digression and departure from the previous topic, but another thing that bothers me is when people argue with you about how you feel, and imply or state right out that what you're feeling is "wrong." That really gets me, that people feel like they have the authority to tell you that you don't have the right to feel the way you do, or that they feel like they can argue with you about how you're wrong in feeling the way you do, and win the argument. Sure, they may be right in that you would be a better person if you felt another way. But they can't tell you that you shouldn't feel the way you do. You're allowed to feel however the hell you feel, and you should never have to justify that. The moment you start letting other people dictate how you feel, is the moment you start to lose yourself, and lose everything you are. Letting others control how you think is bad. Letting them control how you feel is worse.

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Now playing: The Verve Pipe - The Freshmen

Once in a while, I just step back and look at everything and wonder, "When the hell did I become the person that I am?"

Seriously. There are days where I look at what I do, what I say, how I act - I remember the things I've done, the way I've handled different situations - and I wonder, how did I get here. How did I get to be this way.

Then I think, really, do I even have any idea who I do want to be? No. I have no freaking clue. I don't know who I am, who I want to be, what I want to do, or even how I want to be seen. I just want to be me, and I have no clue who that is. How can I have any respect for myself when I can't even recognize myself? How can I expect anyone else to respect me? And if I don't deserve respect, how can I deserve love?

Okay, so that's going too far. I guess I do have an idea of who I am. I used to know. But sometimes now all I can see are shadowy images of myself running away from each other, floating around, sometimes colliding to form something more corporeal, but dissolving away before I can get a good look. I guess it's not even something I should think about. I should just be me. But there are times when I feel like that's so much easier said than done.

There are nights (rarely days) that I just get completely frustrated with me. I don't know what I want. I lack motivation. I lack passion. Or at least, am somewhat lacking. I'm not working at the levels I'm capable of, and I'm shirking responsibility. I'm apathetic and self-indulgent, lazy and selfish, arrogant and self-absorbed. I'm small, ugly, cowardly, weak, plain, and unoriginal. I've got no faith in anything, or anyone, and am utterly incapable of trusting or loving with my whole self.

Okay, going too far again. But that's the feeling I get sometimes. And I feel completely isolated and alone, which is also untrue. I just want to be someone else. Or a better version of me. Or, I want to know who I am. Figure my life out. Everything's a big clutter of loose ends and I'm not getting anywhere.

And odd things stand out in my mind. Like how someone once told me that they feel alone even when they're around others, and that makes it worse. Or how for the longest time, I didn't like any of my friends without realizing it. Probably because I didn't want to accept that they weren't who I thought they were. I can pinpoint the time I became aware of life, aware that there were other people worth loving. People who I shouldn't keep at an arm's length.

Sometimes I'd like to go back to before then, back to when I didn't think about anything. When I didn't care what anyone thought of me, or if anyone even noticed, and just went about my life being relatively invisible and misperceived, and pushed everyone away for no particular reason.

Other times I feel trapped by love, which is just completely wrong. Still other times I feel like the people around me don't let me be me, which is also silly. If anything, I guess I let their presence force me to be restrained, which is also wrong.

None of this makes sense. Which is worse, being sane and spouting nonsense, or being insane and babbling uselessly?

P.S. No one's allowed to worry about me. I'm fine. I'll figure it out. Besides, I'll wake up in the morning (afternoon?) and the feeling will have dissipated completely. That's how it works. I just had to vent somewhere. And please note it's after 5 a.m. We all know I'm not the most rational and coherent at this hour. Yeah. I'm not depressed. I'm just...human. Mmkay?


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Now playing: John Mayer - Slow Dancing In a Burning Room