...Have their own judgment that they'll have to live up to...
Ryan Adams and the Cardinals, "Life is Beautiful"
So lately I've been frustrated with the human tendency to judge others. It's just something that I hate accepting. Ironically.
My whole problem with people who tend to make snap judgments of others and hold it against them is connected to my annoyance with people who pretend to be what they aren't. If that makes sense. Occasionally someone will tell me they like that I'm just myself, I don't try to be anything, I just am myself, and I'm so accepting of everyone else. I don't quite understand why people ever try to be anything. You are what you are, and that's just how it is. I don't understand how people who try to be someone else, who are forever acting, can ever be truly happy.
What I understand more is people who hold themselves back. Who are never fully comfortable with just being themselves, in part because of people who judge them. I guess I understand that better because that's where I feel like I am right now. Trapped. Not completely free to just be myself, not because I want to be someone else, but because for some reason I can't understand, I feel like I need to hold myself back.
I wonder if I feel, unconsciously, like the people I know have this image of me that isn't quite accurate because they don't quite understand, and I, for whatever reason, feel like I need to continue to be what they think I am, to maintain the image of me that they see.
I guess, like usual, it all comes down to fear and love again. Mmm.
I have more to say but I'm beat.
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Now playing: John Mayer - Dreaming With A Broken Heart
Showing posts with label judgement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label judgement. Show all posts
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
I was being facetious.
I think it's funny how different aspects of our personalities are highlighted around different people.
I feel like generally, people try to be themselves. Or say they just "are" themselves. That they don't try to be someone they're not, or pretend to be someone they're not. I think these people generally tell the truth, or at least, think they're telling the truth. But I also think that they're not always wholly themselves. Different facets of themselves shine around different people, all of them part of a single person, though they may seem like completely separate personalities. When these are all together as a unified whole, I think that's when a person is most "himself".
It's easy to find people who bring out different parts of your personality, but I think it's difficult to find people around whom you feel like you are being wholly and completely yourself, in purest and most unaffected form. I even think it's easier to find people who bring out the best in you - or who bring out the worst. Finding someone whom, when you're around him or her, you just think, "I feel like myself" - always - that doesn't happen often, I don't think. And in a way, it's kind of a miracle.
That's all.
I feel like generally, people try to be themselves. Or say they just "are" themselves. That they don't try to be someone they're not, or pretend to be someone they're not. I think these people generally tell the truth, or at least, think they're telling the truth. But I also think that they're not always wholly themselves. Different facets of themselves shine around different people, all of them part of a single person, though they may seem like completely separate personalities. When these are all together as a unified whole, I think that's when a person is most "himself".
It's easy to find people who bring out different parts of your personality, but I think it's difficult to find people around whom you feel like you are being wholly and completely yourself, in purest and most unaffected form. I even think it's easier to find people who bring out the best in you - or who bring out the worst. Finding someone whom, when you're around him or her, you just think, "I feel like myself" - always - that doesn't happen often, I don't think. And in a way, it's kind of a miracle.
That's all.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Life really bugs me.
Well, no.
What really bugs me is the realization I made at the beginning of freshman year that, for the rest of my life, I'm going to have to keep proving my worth to everyone I meet. I realized that, in a way, everything I did in high school, I did in part for the wrong reasons. Partly, I was so involved and worked so hard because that's who I am. I tried doing the non-involvement thing last year, and it was miserable. Now I'm over my head in activities and such again, and as rough as some days are, it's infinitely better than not doing anything and not being involved at all, though, I had probably needed that downtime given how burnt out from high school I was.
But part of the reason I was so burnt out in high school is because I kept thinking I had to. Getting into college is so competitive, I needed to keep doing all this stuff, to be such a perfectionist, so I could have the privilege of choosing a college, and not depend on a college choosing me. In the end, I probably went to the least selective of all of them. But also the cheapest. But that's neither here nor there.
At the beginning of last year, I was thinking about double majoring, and I didn't know what to do. I thought I might want a writing-based career, but then I realized that a) I didn't think I was good enough a writer to succeed or even live by writing, and b) I didn't want to spend the rest of my life submitting my work to someone else to have them tell me whether or not it's good enough. And to make a living by writing, that's what you need to do. Whether it's an editor telling you whether or not it's good enough, or the public telling you whether or not they like it, writers make a living not by enlightening through their works, but by being judged whether or not it's good enough, and I don't think I could live like that. I don't write for anyone else but me. It's my thing. I don't think I could do that. The only way I possibly could, I think, is as a critic, but a) that's such a difficult field to break into, and b) I don't think I could be okay with a life of writing about other people's work. I mean, I could, but only if I kept creating myself, and I don't think I could do both.
Notice any trend throughout all of that? Yeah, the whole me thinking thing kind of keeps getting in the way. But what happens if I don't think about that? I don't know. I've got too many interests to devote myself to just one. Maybe I'll hope one of my friends gets really rich and gives me the capital to write and publish myself. Muahaha. I'm going to have to marry rich. Except I'm mildly certain I'm not going to marry at all, which kind of throws a wrench into that plan.
So I keep thinking about all this stuff, and then stopping and realizing, wait. I should just stop thinking and worrying about everything. Whatever happens, happens, and as long as I don't just sit around on my ass waiting for things to happen, everything should just fall into place. Everything works together for good, right. (Though I can't get rid of the nagging suspicion that that's the kind of idealistic assumption that's going to be my downfall. Damn being a worrier by nature. Damnit.)
"Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.
If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.
For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.
Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion, that it may sing;
And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes."
- Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
What really bugs me is the realization I made at the beginning of freshman year that, for the rest of my life, I'm going to have to keep proving my worth to everyone I meet. I realized that, in a way, everything I did in high school, I did in part for the wrong reasons. Partly, I was so involved and worked so hard because that's who I am. I tried doing the non-involvement thing last year, and it was miserable. Now I'm over my head in activities and such again, and as rough as some days are, it's infinitely better than not doing anything and not being involved at all, though, I had probably needed that downtime given how burnt out from high school I was.
But part of the reason I was so burnt out in high school is because I kept thinking I had to. Getting into college is so competitive, I needed to keep doing all this stuff, to be such a perfectionist, so I could have the privilege of choosing a college, and not depend on a college choosing me. In the end, I probably went to the least selective of all of them. But also the cheapest. But that's neither here nor there.
At the beginning of last year, I was thinking about double majoring, and I didn't know what to do. I thought I might want a writing-based career, but then I realized that a) I didn't think I was good enough a writer to succeed or even live by writing, and b) I didn't want to spend the rest of my life submitting my work to someone else to have them tell me whether or not it's good enough. And to make a living by writing, that's what you need to do. Whether it's an editor telling you whether or not it's good enough, or the public telling you whether or not they like it, writers make a living not by enlightening through their works, but by being judged whether or not it's good enough, and I don't think I could live like that. I don't write for anyone else but me. It's my thing. I don't think I could do that. The only way I possibly could, I think, is as a critic, but a) that's such a difficult field to break into, and b) I don't think I could be okay with a life of writing about other people's work. I mean, I could, but only if I kept creating myself, and I don't think I could do both.
Notice any trend throughout all of that? Yeah, the whole me thinking thing kind of keeps getting in the way. But what happens if I don't think about that? I don't know. I've got too many interests to devote myself to just one. Maybe I'll hope one of my friends gets really rich and gives me the capital to write and publish myself. Muahaha. I'm going to have to marry rich. Except I'm mildly certain I'm not going to marry at all, which kind of throws a wrench into that plan.
So I keep thinking about all this stuff, and then stopping and realizing, wait. I should just stop thinking and worrying about everything. Whatever happens, happens, and as long as I don't just sit around on my ass waiting for things to happen, everything should just fall into place. Everything works together for good, right. (Though I can't get rid of the nagging suspicion that that's the kind of idealistic assumption that's going to be my downfall. Damn being a worrier by nature. Damnit.)
"Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.
If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.
For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.
Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion, that it may sing;
And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes."
- Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
Saturday, April 12, 2008
An addendum of sorts to that last post...
Addendum? Is that even a word? Whatever. Just something else I meant to add to that post this afternoon, the one about what you do vs. who you are.
It's funny how the emphasis between the two shifts. Sometimes, like I said, we're insisting, "Just because he did something bad, doesn't mean he's a bad person," but we also point out that "Actions speak louder than words," and really, all the world really knows of you is what you do. Personally I find it frustrating because even though it's not like I don't care what people do, it can be really difficult to discern to what extent their actions represent who they are, what they value, etc., and that's the kind of stuff I want to know. Who was it, C.S. Lewis maybe, who said something like, "Friendship is a slow-ripening blossom" or something like that? Or it was Aristotle and "Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow-ripening fruit." Hahaha. Not even remotely close. Same sentiment, and that's what I was getting at. I'm impatient. I don't like having to wait, because often, it doesn't take me that long to trust them as a friend. Which is kind of funny considering I'm slow to trust in general. But whatever. Major digression. What else is new.
The whole thing I was getting at, is how I think it's funny that when we have conversations with other people, we spend so much time talking about what we do. When we ask someone, "How was your weekend," we usually follow it up with "What did you do?" or "What happened?" If they say, "Nothing," then we're disappointed. Bored. Stories about things that people have done entertain us. So in that sense, aren't our actions superficial? Small talk is about the trivial, and about what we do. That's about it. Conversations about things that matter are labeled as "serious", and consequently as "boring" or "depressing". Well, unless you're me, or similar. Haha. But I mean, I don't really have a problem talking about more abstract stuff, or what I believe in, or any of that kind of stuff, that other people avoid because it makes them uncomfortable, or that they only talk about with "close" friends. Try talking to an acquaintance about something like that some time, and watch how fast they clam up and get flustered. It's annoying, because that's how I am when I try to make small talk, hahaha. Well, sometimes. Lately.
I suppose because it's easier for me to talk about that kind of stuff, I've always been that kid who more enjoys sitting and talking with the adults than with the kids. I dunno. It's not that I don't like to hear stories about what my friends do - I suppose I'm more honestly interested in that than most people, because it doesn't matter to me whether or not what they do is "entertaining - but I'm interested because I care, and I care because I like them as a person, not just what they do. It's just frustrating because I'm not really interested in surface bonds based on what they do that's entertaining. Not worth wasting my time. Tell me something worth knowing about you. Tell me why I should like you. Why I should respect you. Well, that's not really what I mean. I suppose keen observation will tell you more about a person than them saying "I'm trustworthy" or "I don't lie" or something like that. I guess...I don't know. I shouldn't write this late. I'm not making sense. I'm not finding a decent way to verbalize what I mean. Maybe I'll try another time.
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Now playing: Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life
It's funny how the emphasis between the two shifts. Sometimes, like I said, we're insisting, "Just because he did something bad, doesn't mean he's a bad person," but we also point out that "Actions speak louder than words," and really, all the world really knows of you is what you do. Personally I find it frustrating because even though it's not like I don't care what people do, it can be really difficult to discern to what extent their actions represent who they are, what they value, etc., and that's the kind of stuff I want to know. Who was it, C.S. Lewis maybe, who said something like, "Friendship is a slow-ripening blossom" or something like that? Or it was Aristotle and "Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow-ripening fruit." Hahaha. Not even remotely close. Same sentiment, and that's what I was getting at. I'm impatient. I don't like having to wait, because often, it doesn't take me that long to trust them as a friend. Which is kind of funny considering I'm slow to trust in general. But whatever. Major digression. What else is new.
The whole thing I was getting at, is how I think it's funny that when we have conversations with other people, we spend so much time talking about what we do. When we ask someone, "How was your weekend," we usually follow it up with "What did you do?" or "What happened?" If they say, "Nothing," then we're disappointed. Bored. Stories about things that people have done entertain us. So in that sense, aren't our actions superficial? Small talk is about the trivial, and about what we do. That's about it. Conversations about things that matter are labeled as "serious", and consequently as "boring" or "depressing". Well, unless you're me, or similar. Haha. But I mean, I don't really have a problem talking about more abstract stuff, or what I believe in, or any of that kind of stuff, that other people avoid because it makes them uncomfortable, or that they only talk about with "close" friends. Try talking to an acquaintance about something like that some time, and watch how fast they clam up and get flustered. It's annoying, because that's how I am when I try to make small talk, hahaha. Well, sometimes. Lately.
I suppose because it's easier for me to talk about that kind of stuff, I've always been that kid who more enjoys sitting and talking with the adults than with the kids. I dunno. It's not that I don't like to hear stories about what my friends do - I suppose I'm more honestly interested in that than most people, because it doesn't matter to me whether or not what they do is "entertaining - but I'm interested because I care, and I care because I like them as a person, not just what they do. It's just frustrating because I'm not really interested in surface bonds based on what they do that's entertaining. Not worth wasting my time. Tell me something worth knowing about you. Tell me why I should like you. Why I should respect you. Well, that's not really what I mean. I suppose keen observation will tell you more about a person than them saying "I'm trustworthy" or "I don't lie" or something like that. I guess...I don't know. I shouldn't write this late. I'm not making sense. I'm not finding a decent way to verbalize what I mean. Maybe I'll try another time.
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Now playing: Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life
Monday, March 31, 2008
"You know, there is nothing greater than deciding in your life that things maybe really are black and white!"
I think I will forever be in awe of people who can do that - who can just look at life and the world in general and see nothing but black and white, right and wrong, with no gray area.
I used to like the gray areas. Somehow, that was comforting - knowing that if I never found the answers I was looking for, it was okay, because sometimes, there are no right answers.
Now it pisses me off and it's probably the one thing I struggle with the most.
I was going to write more about uncertainty and faith and forcing yourself to adapt to function in the world. And something else about denial and misinterpretation and self-deception and The Talented Mr. Ripley. And about how difficult it can be to change your basic nature and overcome inherent (and sometimes also seemingly irrational) fears and such. But now I really don't feel like it.
I think I'm developing carpal tunnel in my right hand/wrist. Booo.
I used to like the gray areas. Somehow, that was comforting - knowing that if I never found the answers I was looking for, it was okay, because sometimes, there are no right answers.
Now it pisses me off and it's probably the one thing I struggle with the most.
I was going to write more about uncertainty and faith and forcing yourself to adapt to function in the world. And something else about denial and misinterpretation and self-deception and The Talented Mr. Ripley. And about how difficult it can be to change your basic nature and overcome inherent (and sometimes also seemingly irrational) fears and such. But now I really don't feel like it.
I think I'm developing carpal tunnel in my right hand/wrist. Booo.
Friday, February 1, 2008
"Wanna go get a drink?" "Yeah. I've had a shit day." "I've had a shit year."
1) I've been awake since 5:06 a.m., and I think that's completely unreasonable and unfair. I should be asleep right now. My brain should be asleep right now. Sleeping is my escape time. I guess that's wrong and probably a sign of clinical depression or some other psychological condition, but whatever. How I choose to get through life right now is my own business and I am perfectly capable of handling everything.
2) The title sums up my week. I don't even want to think about it. I just want this week to be over.
3) I was thinking the other day about how arrogant so many people are, and it made me really wonder. What is it that gives people the idea that they are better than others? Why do so many people think that because, say, they're slightly more intelligent than the average person, that makes them better human beings? Or more entitled to being happy? It sounds ridiculous that people think that way, but they do, even if it's subconsciously. It's annoying, because it's so completely wrong. But how do they arrive at that point? Is arrogance an inherited or acquired trait? If it's acquired, I'm inclined to think that it comes in part because somewhere along the line, we're being taught it. Like, for instance, in being praised by adults for being smart, intelligent children aren't learning the distinction that while it's something to take pride in, it doesn't necessarily make them better than others. They're not taught that there's more to being a good person than being smart. That might be a completely "liberal" attitude, but whatever. ( ;
I'm also inclined to think that in many people, arrogance is facade. It's a defense, a mask to hide insecurities, a lack of self-confidence, etc. I suppose that's understandable, but is it acceptable? I don't know why I just asked that question. I don't even think it's a relevant query. It doesn't really matter, does it? And I also have to think that arrogance can also be falsely attributed, that other traits/attitudes can be misinterpreted as arrogance. I mostly just have to think that as I've been told my shyness has been considered arrogance. It's annoying, but I suppose it's my own fault, and I don't care enough to change my behavior just so that people I don't know or care to know don't automatically assume I'm arrogant because I'm quiet. I have no idea what most people think of me, what kind of person / who they think I am, and I've given up trying to figure it out. Apathy is a bitch. Haha. Or maybe not in this case. Is it still apathy if you clearly take the time to think about it? Whatever. Again, irrelevant. And annoying.
Speaking of annoying, this is a complete digression and departure from the previous topic, but another thing that bothers me is when people argue with you about how you feel, and imply or state right out that what you're feeling is "wrong." That really gets me, that people feel like they have the authority to tell you that you don't have the right to feel the way you do, or that they feel like they can argue with you about how you're wrong in feeling the way you do, and win the argument. Sure, they may be right in that you would be a better person if you felt another way. But they can't tell you that you shouldn't feel the way you do. You're allowed to feel however the hell you feel, and you should never have to justify that. The moment you start letting other people dictate how you feel, is the moment you start to lose yourself, and lose everything you are. Letting others control how you think is bad. Letting them control how you feel is worse.
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Now playing: The Verve Pipe - The Freshmen
2) The title sums up my week. I don't even want to think about it. I just want this week to be over.
3) I was thinking the other day about how arrogant so many people are, and it made me really wonder. What is it that gives people the idea that they are better than others? Why do so many people think that because, say, they're slightly more intelligent than the average person, that makes them better human beings? Or more entitled to being happy? It sounds ridiculous that people think that way, but they do, even if it's subconsciously. It's annoying, because it's so completely wrong. But how do they arrive at that point? Is arrogance an inherited or acquired trait? If it's acquired, I'm inclined to think that it comes in part because somewhere along the line, we're being taught it. Like, for instance, in being praised by adults for being smart, intelligent children aren't learning the distinction that while it's something to take pride in, it doesn't necessarily make them better than others. They're not taught that there's more to being a good person than being smart. That might be a completely "liberal" attitude, but whatever. ( ;
I'm also inclined to think that in many people, arrogance is facade. It's a defense, a mask to hide insecurities, a lack of self-confidence, etc. I suppose that's understandable, but is it acceptable? I don't know why I just asked that question. I don't even think it's a relevant query. It doesn't really matter, does it? And I also have to think that arrogance can also be falsely attributed, that other traits/attitudes can be misinterpreted as arrogance. I mostly just have to think that as I've been told my shyness has been considered arrogance. It's annoying, but I suppose it's my own fault, and I don't care enough to change my behavior just so that people I don't know or care to know don't automatically assume I'm arrogant because I'm quiet. I have no idea what most people think of me, what kind of person / who they think I am, and I've given up trying to figure it out. Apathy is a bitch. Haha. Or maybe not in this case. Is it still apathy if you clearly take the time to think about it? Whatever. Again, irrelevant. And annoying.
Speaking of annoying, this is a complete digression and departure from the previous topic, but another thing that bothers me is when people argue with you about how you feel, and imply or state right out that what you're feeling is "wrong." That really gets me, that people feel like they have the authority to tell you that you don't have the right to feel the way you do, or that they feel like they can argue with you about how you're wrong in feeling the way you do, and win the argument. Sure, they may be right in that you would be a better person if you felt another way. But they can't tell you that you shouldn't feel the way you do. You're allowed to feel however the hell you feel, and you should never have to justify that. The moment you start letting other people dictate how you feel, is the moment you start to lose yourself, and lose everything you are. Letting others control how you think is bad. Letting them control how you feel is worse.
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Now playing: The Verve Pipe - The Freshmen
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Idealistic or unrealistic?
So a while ago, I ranted (calmly) about how unfortunate it is that escapist stories often make us (even if only subconsciously) long for a fantasy that we know will more than likely never come true. We form this whole distorted view of reality, and we like it. We like having that hope that life can be like a fairy tale, or a myth, or an epic.
Really, though, I think fiction affects us much more than we realize. Or at least, much more than we actively acknowledge. (Damn media literacy. It was actually effective.) We watch movies and TV shows, we listen to music, we see advertisements. All of this registers in our minds and affects the way we perceive everything. Everyone's always up in arms about this, and everyone claims that the media doesn't affect them, but that's such garbage.
When you really think about it, the media dictates what qualifies as the status quo - it sets or announces the standards for everything. What's trendy, what's "unique," what's uncool, what's attractive. So and so wore this designer who used this kind of neckline and this kind of hem, and that's trendy right now. That woman has big eyes and a straight nose and she's beautiful, so that's a new standard of beauty. The awkward nerd in that movie is cute because he's awkward. Etc. etc. It's almost like we conform without even realizing it.
It goes further than that, though. We watch movies where shy homely girls fall in love with an arrogant, impossibly handsome and charming, "misunderstood guy" archetype, where against all odds, he falls in love with her and her influence makes him redeem himself and they live happily ever after. We read books where, like in any good plot, all the characters undergo some kind of change, and often a dramatic one. We listen to songs that explore every emotion concerning and relating to love of all kinds. We fall in love with idealized characters and unconsciously refuse to settle for anyone who isn't as great. We want to believe that these perfect ideas are achievable.
One day this summer, I met my 75-year-old candy nazi of a boss's boyfriend. He was pretty strange. She told me how they met, and it was a cute story - kind of weird and creepy, but cute. She also told me how he's been a bachelor his entire life. My boss, as a widower, told me that this was making it harder to break him of certain habits that she hated, because he was so used to being able to do whatever he liked whenever, without having to be considerate of anyone else. But she also told me that she understood this, and that she had no expectations of making him change. She told me that that's the mistake that a lot of women make - they meet a man, and they say, "Oh, I'm in love - he's practically perfect, except for ______." They think they can reform him, that they can just change what they don't like about him, when really, it won't work out unless they accept him as he is.
Honestly, that's probably the smartest thing she ever said to me. Or rather, the wisest. I think we all expect to be able to change people's basic natures much more than we usually can or do. Sure, it's possible - but I think it's the exception rather than the rule. At least, changing them in the noticeably dramatic fashions that we expect isn't usually what happens. But I also think that we may tend to say that we simply accept people we love when really, we are excusing them. It's okay for them to have certain flaws that we despise because we love them - but it's not okay for other people to be that way. But I digress.
Or not. That was all I really had. Now I need to sleep.
Really, though, I think fiction affects us much more than we realize. Or at least, much more than we actively acknowledge. (Damn media literacy. It was actually effective.) We watch movies and TV shows, we listen to music, we see advertisements. All of this registers in our minds and affects the way we perceive everything. Everyone's always up in arms about this, and everyone claims that the media doesn't affect them, but that's such garbage.
When you really think about it, the media dictates what qualifies as the status quo - it sets or announces the standards for everything. What's trendy, what's "unique," what's uncool, what's attractive. So and so wore this designer who used this kind of neckline and this kind of hem, and that's trendy right now. That woman has big eyes and a straight nose and she's beautiful, so that's a new standard of beauty. The awkward nerd in that movie is cute because he's awkward. Etc. etc. It's almost like we conform without even realizing it.
It goes further than that, though. We watch movies where shy homely girls fall in love with an arrogant, impossibly handsome and charming, "misunderstood guy" archetype, where against all odds, he falls in love with her and her influence makes him redeem himself and they live happily ever after. We read books where, like in any good plot, all the characters undergo some kind of change, and often a dramatic one. We listen to songs that explore every emotion concerning and relating to love of all kinds. We fall in love with idealized characters and unconsciously refuse to settle for anyone who isn't as great. We want to believe that these perfect ideas are achievable.
One day this summer, I met my 75-year-old candy nazi of a boss's boyfriend. He was pretty strange. She told me how they met, and it was a cute story - kind of weird and creepy, but cute. She also told me how he's been a bachelor his entire life. My boss, as a widower, told me that this was making it harder to break him of certain habits that she hated, because he was so used to being able to do whatever he liked whenever, without having to be considerate of anyone else. But she also told me that she understood this, and that she had no expectations of making him change. She told me that that's the mistake that a lot of women make - they meet a man, and they say, "Oh, I'm in love - he's practically perfect, except for ______." They think they can reform him, that they can just change what they don't like about him, when really, it won't work out unless they accept him as he is.
Honestly, that's probably the smartest thing she ever said to me. Or rather, the wisest. I think we all expect to be able to change people's basic natures much more than we usually can or do. Sure, it's possible - but I think it's the exception rather than the rule. At least, changing them in the noticeably dramatic fashions that we expect isn't usually what happens. But I also think that we may tend to say that we simply accept people we love when really, we are excusing them. It's okay for them to have certain flaws that we despise because we love them - but it's not okay for other people to be that way. But I digress.
Or not. That was all I really had. Now I need to sleep.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Creepiness vs. Human Nature
Alright, so I get really annoyed by the fact that often, when people are just being nice, they're perceived as being creepy. Except I'm a total hypocrite because there is a guy who keeps stopping by my place of employment who is, most likely, just being friendly, but he creeps the heck out of me. Though, in my defense, he is rather stalker-ish. Like, stopping by at other times and asking people when I'm going to be working. And he keeps asking about UAA meetings so I think he might have an Asian fetish. Like I said...wicked creepy. But I think I'd rather be hypocritical and suspicious than be open-minded and optimistic and get assaulted at 11:30 at night in a building empty minus one other person, who might not even hear me scream. Yeah.
It's so odd, though, how what we construe as "creepy" or "awkward" or "weird" is often not that unusual or creepy at all. I mean, when it's some stranger you don't know from Adam...well, then I can understand the misunderstanding - how are you supposed to know what he's really like, what the real intentions and personality are? But when it's someone you've met, or know through a friend...well, odds are, the person is just being friendly. Say you've just met a friend of your best friend that you've never met. Any relatively friendly person is going to try to get to know him - try to talk to the person, ask questions, and just get acquainted with him in general. How annoying is it when the unknown friend is completely unresponsive and doesn't even make an attempt to talk to you? It's not weird for you to try to talk to the person, but they act as if it is.
I was talking to someone online one night who I haven't known very long, and he was giving me "his take" on my sister and why she behaves the way she does. Out of curiosity, I jokingly asked for his "take" on me, and he asked why I wanted to know. I said I was just curious, and he informed me, he almost never tells people what he thinks of them, to them, because it's just kind of awkward. I said that I don't just randomly say to people, "Hey, this is what I think of you," but if they ask, then why shouldn't I just be honest? If they ask, they can handle whatever I'm going to say, and it's not like I'm going to point out all the horrible truths about them - besides, if they're talking to me to begin with, I probably don't have anything terrible to say. And if I do, I'm going to at least be tactful about it. Jeez.
My point is, though, even if we say we don't care what other people think of us, we care what the people we like think of us - the people who are important to us. Often times, it's hard to read them - hard to discern if they care about you. So wouldn't it be easier just to ask about it? I mean, sure, it may be awkward at the time, but it's not like thereafter it'll always be awkward. Odds are, both parties involved will forget about it almost right away. So why is it that we have such a hard time just being frank about what we think and how we feel when other people are involved? Silly.
Then there's the stuff that really kind of is creepy, but isn't meant in a creepy way. Facebook stalking is a perfect example. It's the kind of thing that everyone does, but no one talks about. Checking out someone's Facebook that you're interested in, whether as a friend or otherwise, a dozen times a day, to the point that you feel kind of weird, knowing so much about them, but really aren't very close with the person. Then when you do talk to them in person, it's like, "Um, I totally know this already...but I don't want to admit that I stalked your Facebook." You don't mean to be creepy, and you have no intention of using this information in a weird way, but if the person knew, they'd think you were crazy. Spring Awakening puts it best:
In the midst of this nothing, this mess of a life,
Still there's this wanting just to see you go by.
It's almost like lovin', sad as that is,
May not be cool, but it's so where I live.
It's like I'm your lover, or more like your ghost,
I spend the day wonderin' what you do, where you go.
I try and just kick it, but then what can I do?
We've all got our junk, and my junk is you...
----------------
Listening to: Spring Awakening - My Junk
It's so odd, though, how what we construe as "creepy" or "awkward" or "weird" is often not that unusual or creepy at all. I mean, when it's some stranger you don't know from Adam...well, then I can understand the misunderstanding - how are you supposed to know what he's really like, what the real intentions and personality are? But when it's someone you've met, or know through a friend...well, odds are, the person is just being friendly. Say you've just met a friend of your best friend that you've never met. Any relatively friendly person is going to try to get to know him - try to talk to the person, ask questions, and just get acquainted with him in general. How annoying is it when the unknown friend is completely unresponsive and doesn't even make an attempt to talk to you? It's not weird for you to try to talk to the person, but they act as if it is.
I was talking to someone online one night who I haven't known very long, and he was giving me "his take" on my sister and why she behaves the way she does. Out of curiosity, I jokingly asked for his "take" on me, and he asked why I wanted to know. I said I was just curious, and he informed me, he almost never tells people what he thinks of them, to them, because it's just kind of awkward. I said that I don't just randomly say to people, "Hey, this is what I think of you," but if they ask, then why shouldn't I just be honest? If they ask, they can handle whatever I'm going to say, and it's not like I'm going to point out all the horrible truths about them - besides, if they're talking to me to begin with, I probably don't have anything terrible to say. And if I do, I'm going to at least be tactful about it. Jeez.
My point is, though, even if we say we don't care what other people think of us, we care what the people we like think of us - the people who are important to us. Often times, it's hard to read them - hard to discern if they care about you. So wouldn't it be easier just to ask about it? I mean, sure, it may be awkward at the time, but it's not like thereafter it'll always be awkward. Odds are, both parties involved will forget about it almost right away. So why is it that we have such a hard time just being frank about what we think and how we feel when other people are involved? Silly.
Then there's the stuff that really kind of is creepy, but isn't meant in a creepy way. Facebook stalking is a perfect example. It's the kind of thing that everyone does, but no one talks about. Checking out someone's Facebook that you're interested in, whether as a friend or otherwise, a dozen times a day, to the point that you feel kind of weird, knowing so much about them, but really aren't very close with the person. Then when you do talk to them in person, it's like, "Um, I totally know this already...but I don't want to admit that I stalked your Facebook." You don't mean to be creepy, and you have no intention of using this information in a weird way, but if the person knew, they'd think you were crazy. Spring Awakening puts it best:
In the midst of this nothing, this mess of a life,
Still there's this wanting just to see you go by.
It's almost like lovin', sad as that is,
May not be cool, but it's so where I live.
It's like I'm your lover, or more like your ghost,
I spend the day wonderin' what you do, where you go.
I try and just kick it, but then what can I do?
We've all got our junk, and my junk is you...
----------------
Listening to: Spring Awakening - My Junk
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