Once in a while, I just step back and look at everything and wonder, "When the hell did I become the person that I am?"

Seriously. There are days where I look at what I do, what I say, how I act - I remember the things I've done, the way I've handled different situations - and I wonder, how did I get here. How did I get to be this way.

Then I think, really, do I even have any idea who I do want to be? No. I have no freaking clue. I don't know who I am, who I want to be, what I want to do, or even how I want to be seen. I just want to be me, and I have no clue who that is. How can I have any respect for myself when I can't even recognize myself? How can I expect anyone else to respect me? And if I don't deserve respect, how can I deserve love?

Okay, so that's going too far. I guess I do have an idea of who I am. I used to know. But sometimes now all I can see are shadowy images of myself running away from each other, floating around, sometimes colliding to form something more corporeal, but dissolving away before I can get a good look. I guess it's not even something I should think about. I should just be me. But there are times when I feel like that's so much easier said than done.

There are nights (rarely days) that I just get completely frustrated with me. I don't know what I want. I lack motivation. I lack passion. Or at least, am somewhat lacking. I'm not working at the levels I'm capable of, and I'm shirking responsibility. I'm apathetic and self-indulgent, lazy and selfish, arrogant and self-absorbed. I'm small, ugly, cowardly, weak, plain, and unoriginal. I've got no faith in anything, or anyone, and am utterly incapable of trusting or loving with my whole self.

Okay, going too far again. But that's the feeling I get sometimes. And I feel completely isolated and alone, which is also untrue. I just want to be someone else. Or a better version of me. Or, I want to know who I am. Figure my life out. Everything's a big clutter of loose ends and I'm not getting anywhere.

And odd things stand out in my mind. Like how someone once told me that they feel alone even when they're around others, and that makes it worse. Or how for the longest time, I didn't like any of my friends without realizing it. Probably because I didn't want to accept that they weren't who I thought they were. I can pinpoint the time I became aware of life, aware that there were other people worth loving. People who I shouldn't keep at an arm's length.

Sometimes I'd like to go back to before then, back to when I didn't think about anything. When I didn't care what anyone thought of me, or if anyone even noticed, and just went about my life being relatively invisible and misperceived, and pushed everyone away for no particular reason.

Other times I feel trapped by love, which is just completely wrong. Still other times I feel like the people around me don't let me be me, which is also silly. If anything, I guess I let their presence force me to be restrained, which is also wrong.

None of this makes sense. Which is worse, being sane and spouting nonsense, or being insane and babbling uselessly?

P.S. No one's allowed to worry about me. I'm fine. I'll figure it out. Besides, I'll wake up in the morning (afternoon?) and the feeling will have dissipated completely. That's how it works. I just had to vent somewhere. And please note it's after 5 a.m. We all know I'm not the most rational and coherent at this hour. Yeah. I'm not depressed. I'm just...human. Mmkay?


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Now playing: John Mayer - Slow Dancing In a Burning Room