I should probably like myself more than I do.

Actually. I should probably like myself less than I do.

I used to love that bit of time between going to bed and falling asleep. It was my favorite time of day. I owed nothing to no one, and was free to just lie in peace and dream.

Now I hate it.

Lately, I listen to the same 5 songs every night when I'm trying to go to sleep:

-- "Sweet Disposition" - The Temper Trap

-- "Moving pictures silent films" [Live] - Great Lake Swimmers

-- "I Won't Be Found" [Daytrotter] - The Tallest Man on Earth

-- "Hold Your Breath" [Daytrotter] - The Acorn

-- "Northern Lights" - Bowerbirds

If I'm still awake and not drifting off to sleep by the end of "Hold Your Breath," I know it's gonna be a while before I fall asleep. And it always is. It's awful. I can't stop thinking long enough to reach peace. And then when I do finally sleep, I often have terribly unsettling dreams, and don't sleep well. That's why I end up staying up so late, even when I'm exhausted: I know I'm going to have trouble sleeping regardless, and even if I don't, I'm likely going to have discomforting dreams.

I don't know what to do to fix it.

Or is this the dream I've been saving?

Oh, where the heart beats slower and slower

To almost nothing,

Almost nothing,

Almost nothing.

I took it for love, or at least something beautiful

Out there in the spotlight,

I turned around suddenly, turned around squinting

And saw that it was headlights.

And then the truth, the truth was unbearable.

Oh, and imminent,

Bearing down on these two shadow animals...

Moving pictures silent films

[Great Lake Swimmers]

Waiting is the hardest part. I just want to know.

Where did March go?

Where did this semester go?

51 days til graduation.

...shit.

I worked myself into such a fury yesterday. I yelled at a friend who did nothing to deserve it. I got absurdly upset over something I can't control. I grew anxious.

I was overcome once again by the realization that I'm failing to understand how much of everything lies outside the realm of my control. Instead of letting everything flow through, over, around me, I fight myself.

I see it every day. I sit down in front of this hunk of metal and instead of typing furiously and feeling language flow from my fingertips, they grow dull and listless as they come to know that they know nothing. I love words but I know none. How can prose be spontaneous if there's nothing there?

I know I should make do with what I've got and do whatever I can to add to it, but I can't help but feel frustrated with my incompetence. I keep letting little shortcomings swell to paralyzing incapacity.

And then I complain about it instead of doing something about it.

It's only vanity.

- chris ayer

Things I'm really interested in right now.

- Georgia O'Keefe and Alfred Stieglitz.

- The relationship between art and commerce in the 1920s.

- Modernism.

- Bold colors.

- Geometric patterns

- Science and beauty.

- Beaux-Arts architecture in America.

- Post-rock music.

--- I can't stop listening to Explosions in the Sky's The Earth Is Not a Cold Dead Place. Still. Slash again.

- Piano-driven pop/rock.

- "Renaissance men."

--- as defined during the Italian Renaissance.

--- as defined today.

- Good storytellers.

- Charming people.

- London's West End.

- Self-perception vs. other's perception of you.

- Introversion vs. extraversion.

- Dualism.

--- How dualism owns my life.

- Narcissism.

From now on --

-- less notes on the subject of writing --

-- and of myself --

-- and more writing.

From now on, no more shouted doubts, no more of the roots of the tree, but the foliage of it. This is a coming of age. A man must keep his doubts to himself and prove his work instead.

- Kerouac

I detect a strong dualism -- between loneliness, morality, humility, sternness, critical Christianism -- and charm, open-mindedness, dask (the attempt at dash), humourousness, Faustian power and lust for experience. These two sets of impulses will never cease to work in me. Which at least makes good fuel for getting around.

- Kerouac

I'm a little rusty. Oh and what a whole lot of bunk I could write this morning about my fear that I can't write, I'm ignorant and worst of all, I'm an idiot trying to achieve something I can't possibly do. It's in the will, in the heart! To hell with these rotten doubts. I defy them and spit on them. Merde!

Jack Kerouac
22 June 1947

short.

trying hard to shed this skin

because I'm lost so deep within

I can't and won't be found.

Things I really like right now.

- Helvetica typeface.

- Buttoned sweater vests.

- The color gray.

- Kerouac's journals.
--- My journal.

- The concept of physical and abstract space in art.
--- The concept of physical and abstract space in relationships.
------ Concepts of space in general.

- White ink tattoos.

- Sparrows and doves.

- Godiva dark chocolate truffles.

- Pesto.

- Lomography's ColorSplash flash.

- Driving.

- These songs:
--- "I Think Your Nose is Bleeding" by The Front Bottoms.
--- "America" by Simon & Garfunkel.
--- "Fake Palindromes" by Andrew Bird.
--- "Postcards from Italy" by Beirut.
--- "You've Got the Love" by Florence + the Machine.

- Nonalcoholic beverages that come in glass bottles.

- Washable markers.

- My purple umbrella.

- Long necklaces.

- Black pens that aren't ballpoint.

- Making mix CD's.

- Lists.

Waves

May 2009, I wrote this: "In the past year, I've found myself oscillating between contentment and hopefulness, and despair and frustration, fairly evenly."

July 2009, I wrote this: "I feel like I keep realizing more and more how impermanent everything is, lately. It's like my life is oscillating between highs and lows, except the lows seem to last much longer and run more deeply than the highs, and when I hit the highs, I'm preoccupied by trying to make them last longer instead of just enjoying them. And when I get to the lows, I get bogged down from remembering the highs instead of just either a) trying to get to new highs or b) waiting for them to come."

Now it's March 2010, and I'm feeling this push and pull, this ebb and flow, more strongly than ever - in different ways. It doesn't feel like I'm doing the experience justice to simply characterize it as moving from high to low. It's a multidimensional shift - describing it as merely a line on a graph is not enough.

It's a shift from viewing life in terms of fighting and struggling, to viewing it as a journey.

It's a shift from fighting against what I can't change, to accepting it and trying to change what I can.

It's a shift from passively accepting what happens to me, to actively making things happen for myself.

It's a shift from optimism to pessimism, from idealism to cynicism, from hope to despair, from patience to frustration, from caring too much to total apathy, from being content in the moment to wanting something more.

It's watching the sunset, then needing the sunrise.

It's wanting what I can't have, then not wanting it when I have it.

It's wanting space, then needing intimacy.

I believe in everyone, then I don't trust anyone.

I have faith in humanity, and then I see nothing but doubt.

I believe in my perspective, and then I don't know which way is up.

It's all of these and more, crossing a graph simultaneously but hitting the highs and lows at different times. The shifts are erratic - the patterns are irregular. I don't mind having highs and lows, I really don't. I just wish there was more consistency to them. More balance, if you will. Maybe it would be less overwhelming.

Every day I fall in love. Every day, my heart breaks.

It's a curious phenomenon when both experiences occur at once.

You can't rely on anyone but yourself. And sometimes even you let yourself down.