I found a poem.

I can't get the spacing to look properly for all of it, so pretend.

Well here we go again

Forward, backwards, stuck in neutral

Feelings, indifference, apathy

Is a heartless beast

Of burden weighing heavily

Are possibilities, promises

To keep and be broken

Dreams of the future

Forays into idealism, hopefully

Bringing opportunity, chance

To begin to live life,

To stop merely existing,

To find passion

Balance

Walking across the beam of in between

Unsure, indecisive, reaching, jumping

F

A

L

L

I

N

G

Head first into God knows what

Have I gotten myself into now

Nothing is the same

Interest is dead

Mutated into careless, undriven work

Passion has fled

Jumped into the winds of days gone by

And where does that leave me?

Wishing myself far far away

Wishing the next ten years

Were a thing of the past, a memory

Preciously lived and learned and productive

But done, over, moved on to days of black and white and

C | D | L

L | I | I

E | V | N

A | I | E

R | D | S

| E |

| D |

(that we all know don’t exist)

No reading in between,

No fog hanging in my mind,

Clouding my vision

My view of who I am

what I want

where I want to be

what I need to do

W h y a m I h e r e ?

And where do I go from here?

Things can only go up,

P

But what goes U

Must come

D

O

W

N

So here I am again.

Stuck in neutral.

It's from about a year ago. I was in sorry shape then. I'm fine now, but I can feel myself getting more and more frustrated, restless, and weary again. I blame spring course registration and summer internship applications...or rather, the ideas of them and their impeding deadlines. I hate having to choose courses to pursue a degree that might not even help me get where I want to be, anyway; I hate being pressured to choose a career - the whole idea of a single career isn't very appealing to me to begin with; I hate the idea of applying for internships and graduate school - it's like applying for college, having to prove myself all over again; and I hate the idea of spending the rest of my life being judged and critiqued about everything, being forced to submit my work to other people who are "better" than me so they can tell me if it's good enough. Screw this whole being an adult thing. Just let me do what makes me happy as I discover what it really is. That might be a selfish, useless, complete waste of time for some people, but my desire to help others and make them happy and share and enlighten is far too great for me to be in danger of Hedonistically throwing my life away on myself. And if that's what I end up doing, then I'm the only one responsible, I'm the only one who has to live with that, so whatever.

Haha. Watch. 10 years from now I'll have a graduate degree, a cushy hypocritical job that I love (writing for some kind of periodical owned by a mainstream media conglomerate), stable relationships and finances, a house or apartment (complete with mortage!) and a whole life-plan. Either that or I'll have a stupid number of useless degrees, be stuck with an obnoxious job that I hate and could possibly lose at any moment anyway, and I'll be shiftlessly roaming around the country by myself, writing my "great American novel" (which I'll constantly be changing the topic and direction of, and it'll never get finished. Ever.) with barely enough money to get myself drunk with. Hahahahaha. Oh man. Just imagine. I'm going to be crashing on everyone else's couches...you've been warned...so just let me wallow there for a while and then pull a Boy Meets World and make me leave the couch and soggy Cocoa Puffs, grab a newspaper, and go job-hunting in my bathrobe when it's dark out. If I try telling you I'm going to have my own television show as the "Good Lookin' Girl" or something, laugh and kick me out. Thanks, in advance. You're real pals.


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Listening to: Paul Simon - Once Upon A Time There Was An Ocean