please give

Been thinkin' lots lately (again) about how all relationships are a trade: what I can give you vs. what you can give me. I give, you give. And that's all that really matters in the end, right? We can feel whatever we want, say whatever we want; it's what we do for each other that counts. The actions.

I'm trying to keep giving and let what I do for others be enough to make me happy. It's hard, here, for me to find ways to keep giving, and most days, it feels like that's all I have to really keep me going. I don't feel like I have much to offer, and I feel like I end up giving in weak, empty ways just so I can feel like I'm giving something, even though it feels like it's not enough. And then, sometimes I think I expect too much from others in return. But sometimes I also start to think, maybe I don't expect enough.

Back in June, one of my friends told me I have to take care of myself, and let others take care of me; I can't just take care of everyone else all the time. I wish I could. I wish I could sustain myself fully on giving to others. And I wish I didn't need to be taken care of, ever. I don't want anyone to feel like they owe me anything, ever, but I also don't ever want to feel like I owe someone else something. That's not how it works, right? Everything we do for others should act independently of everything else?

I don't want all of these ideas floating around my head any more. I don't want to be stuck in my own head so much any more. But if I'm such poor company to myself, how can I be adequate company to anyone else?

And why does all this kind of stuff seem so much worse late at night? I'll probably laugh at this in the afternoon. I hope I do, at least. I could use a good laugh.