fortnights.

I love that word. I wish people still used it.

• One fortnight ago, I was on my way out of Jersey and wishing I wasn't leaving.
  
  
• Two fortnights ago, you couldn't have paid me enough to stay another second longer, and I was dying to escape from everything that I believed was causing all these feelings I didn't want to feel.
  
  
• Three fortnights ago, I was in the moment and loving every second of it.
  
  
• Four fortnights ago, I was wishing the earth would swallow me whole, because it felt like that would be the only way I could get enough distance from everything to stop me from feeling anything.

Funny how things change.

For the moment, I'm fairly content. I'm still lost, upset, happy, terrified, and still screwing up my life in some pretty big ways. But I'm also learning a lot, and not just about this city, this culture.

---- I'm learning that you can run away from everything that you thought was making you feel the way you do, but you can't run away from yourself. When there's nothing and no one left to hide behind or hide from, all that's left is yourself - and that's terrifying. The only truth is in how you choose to react, and that's scary too.

---- I'm learning that distance lends itself to clarity. When you're too close, it's hard to see things for what they are. Distance over time and distance over space. They help you see the big picture more clearly - they help you see the important stuff more clearly, be it people or things.

---- I'm learning (again) that you need to take care of yourself first. No one else will. No one else can. Other people can be indispensably helpful, but the only person you can fully rely on is yourself.

---- I'm learning how to see which relationships are the ones worth working to keep. Convenience of location makes a lot of friendships easy to maintain - or hard to dispose. Here, geography works against everything. I'm finding that I can distinguish what I am capable of and willing to give people, and what they are willing to give me in return. And I think I'm going to find it easier than I expected to let go of the ones who can't give me what I'm looking for.

---- I'm learning, in that same vein, that distance can bring you closer to some people. I'm learning again how I can be there for people who are far away. Unfortunately, it's mostly only through words, and I feel like mine keep growing weaker and even less adequate.

---- I'm learning how to have faith in people who love me. Apparently it isn't all some cruel joke and they really do love me! I don't understand it, but I am grateful. I'm appreciating other people for what they do for me, and learning that others appreciate what I do for them - "Maybe it’s not important [to know who you are]. It’s about what we do for each other, isn’t it?"

---- I'm trying to learn that there are some things, some people, that I can't understand, that maybe I'm not supposed to understand, and that all I can do is try to accept them and let them roll off my back. I am having trouble with this one, but I need to find a way to come to terms with these things fast - I can't afford to keep being so preoccupied with things I can't understand and can't change.

---- Oh, and I'm also trying to learn film studies. I guess maybe I should be focusing more on that, since that's what I paid to come here and learn...

This is long. Oops.