Another quick note.

1. Yeah, I know I said I'd do a regular post soon but I've been a waste of life lately. Too much work. I'm not even flipping out yet so I need to find another way to motivate myself because I am probably so screwed with all this stuff. Argh.

2. On the bright side, I had housing today and we got a room in the building we wanted so woot.

3. I can't believe it's nearly May already. April flew by unbelievably fast. This whole year flew by unbelievably fast. August feels like it was just yesterday. I'm in a much better place now than I was then, though. Fingers crossed that this summer won't be miserable.

4. Presently skimming/reading a book called Michael Jordan and the New Global Capitalism. It's pretty interesting. Its discussion on the way globalization is leading to the Americanization of other cultures reminds me of something my Social Issues professor said about how one reason Americans in Iraq are so unwelcome is because of their lack of understanding of Iraqi culture and Islamic traditions and such. I suppose this is one of the reasons so many Americans are okay with globalization's cultural impacts: I don't think we really understand other cultures, even if we say we tolerate or appreciate or embrace them. We're so wrapped up in ourselves. I mean, I can't really comment on the economics of globalization...I'm utterly clueless. The interaction of people and cultures is what interests me.

5. I really need to get down to work. Jeebus. All I want to do is sleep though. Rawr.

Slightly Longer Short List

1. All I've wanted to do lately is watch comfort movies. St. Elmo's Fire. Elizabethtown. Eternal Sunshine. Jane Austen Book Club. Etc. Okay, so I've been in the mood for chick flicks. Odd.

2. Also been in the mood for Joan of Arcadia lately. Season 2. Speaking of TV, I plan on catching up on a LOT of shows this summer. All of LOST, for one. Whatever House I can get my hands on. And something else too, that I'm forgetting...it'll come to me. All that, on top of a ton of movies and books. Jeebus.

3. Haha. So in spite of the fact that it seems like I "took too much on" this semester, next semester's going to be even crazier. Yeah, I'm planning on cutting down my work hours to 10/15 a week, alternating. But I agreed to do e-board for the yearbook and for the American Studies Club. And thus, I have to actually start attending the yearbook meetings and help out. Also, I'm planning on literally forcing myself to write for the paper, just to have a portfolio. And working for both of those publications requires actually going to school-sponsored events and taking pictures. Sooo. Yeah. I had really wanted to do the NY movie thing with Lincoln Center again, but I don't think I'll be able to. I really miss that, a lot. I loved having that time to myself in the city. Sigh.

4. I haven't gone to the beach for the sunrise in literally months, and I hate that. HATE that. Not since January 8. That's horrible. And I've only caught a few sunsets since then, too. It's not even that I haven't taken pictures of any - I haven't even been. Horrible. I feel a little bit emptier without them, haha.

5. I really am looking forward to working on some photo projects this summer. More pictures of people, definitely. People will have to deal with the fact that I'm trying to put together some good stuff, because I want more pictures of my friends, and more pictures with people in them in general. Also, I'm really looking forward to working on my beach garbage project. Sadly, that one will be easy to work on since people and Bennys trash the beaches so badly, so they're only really clean at sunrise and really early in the a.m. Seaside Park isn't as bad, but still. But I guess that gives me more material. So yeah. I really want to work on that this summer. Still wish I could do the sleep one. We'll see.

6. I like show tunes. I'm listening to a mix of songs from Les Mis, Thoroughly Modern Millie, Hairspray, Wicked, Little Women, and Movin' Out. And Mamma Mia. It's been a while, and I like it. A wonderful compilation of leading men there - the guy who originally played Marius whose name I forget, the wonderful Gavin Creel and Matthew Morrison, Norbert Leo Butz (who has a very unfortunate name), Danny Gurwin, and Michael Cavanaugh, who I'm still so bummed I didn't see on Broadway. And women with powerhouse voices too - any woman who plays Eponine MUST have an insanely great voice. Sutton Foster is my favorite Broadway actress, and Marisa Jaret Winokur, Kristen Chenoweth, and Idina Menzel are all amazing too. I still think that while film and television actors are incredibly talented, nothing beats a high-class stage actor, especially musical theater ones. You've got to really be great to do that, even if movie/TV actors get the majority of the press. You never see stage actors crossing over to film for anything but the money, really, or the fame, but when film stars want to prove their worth as actors, they hit the stage. Mmm.

7. Speaking of theater. I want to write a play. I mean, I want to write a lot of stuff. I try to write a lot of stuff. But I would like to write a good play. I like the way they're structured, and I like that they're dialogue heavy, haha. I intend to have at least a rough draft of something, be it play, screenplay, novel, what have you, by the end of the summer. Hahahahaha. I clearly have a lot of big plans for my down time.

8. I promise, I'll stop being lazy and write a real post soon. I just need more time. Blech. More time for everything.

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Now playing: Original Broadway Cast - Summer, Highland Falls

Today's Short List.

1. I know I've said this before, but I really love how interdisciplinary my classes here are. Today in 20th Century American Foreign Politics, we talked about globalization, and how American rose to become an economic hyper-power in the '80s and '90s. That part was okay, but then it led to a discussion of the cultural implications of globalization and the arguments for/critiques against it, and we watched a movie all about Naomi Klein's claims against it. Which led to a discussion about the dominance of American media and the reach and extent of its influences and authoritarian nature. I actually participated for once (I never do, not in that class at least) just because it was so relevant to stuff we've discussed in pretty much half the classes I've had here. Tech & Culture, Social Issues, Media Lit, International Studies, American Studies, Immigration to America, even Lit & Film. I like when that happens. It makes learning more fun. : D

Wow, I am such a nerd. Hehehe.

2. I'm not big on concerts, but for some reason, I'm going to 3 this summer... I'm excited for them. Ingrid Michaelson in June, John Mayer/Colbie Caillat in July, and Counting Crows/Maroon 5 in August. Woot.

3. I'm so behind on Big Brother and I'm a bit upset about it...largely in part because I know Kim hasn't had anyone to talk to about it. I can't believe I was one of those people who stopped watching a reality show when my favorite person got kicked off. Okay, there is SO much wrong with that statement. It wasn't entirely because of that, though. Once I was about to start watching again, I got overwhelmed with work and didn't really have to the time to catch up properly. And it ends on Sunday! / :

4. I'm absurdly glad Grey's is back, and can't wait for Private Practice next fall. (Guilty pleasures much?) I'm also really glad Addison's coming back for an episode of Grey's next week, and I hope she gives Mer/Der a piece of her mind. : D

5. TOO MUCH READING FOR VENICE. AHHHH. I got the syllabus the other day and it's insane. Rather more work than I expected. More writing than I thought, too. I hope my "must do your best" mechanism doesn't kick in and make me work my ass off while I'm there when I should be just enjoying the experience...oh well. Still can't wait to get the heck outta here.

( :

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Now playing: Anna Nalick - Satellite

5 More Things

So I have about 20 drafts of stuff I haven't gotten around to elaborating upon yet. I'll get to it some day. Just another short list for now.

1. My eyes are crazy red and hurt like heck, and I've got a headache too. This is the time of year that I'm particularly glad I don't wear contacts, hehe. I love spring and the whole renewal of life and all that, but man. I wish I wasn't so allergic to it. Hahaha.

2. I have a positively ABSURD amount of work to do that I really need to get busy with. I wasted a lot of time hanging around work today doing nothing, but it was worth it. Got to chill with some awesome people. ( :

3. What do I do on nights that my roommate is at her boyfriend's? I don't sit around with music blasting, or watch a movie/TV show I know she doesn't like, or dance around like a loon. I clean the bathroom. Because I know she won't and if I do it while she's around, she gets this attitude like, "I know you're just doing this while I'm here to make me feel bad for not doing it." Well, maybe I just imagine that. But I've discovered that waiting for her to be unable to tolerate the grime doesn't work, and I end up punishing myself, so I just do it. Otherwise it gets so disgusting, I'm embarrassed that it doesn't bother her.

4. There are little tiny flies at work that like to fly in your face and around your nose and by your eyes and they're really, REALLY annoying. Today Mo and I were swatting at them saying, "DIE FLY, DIE!" It reminded her of last spring when she was getting all excited about the weather and the flowers coming out and such, and I responded with, "DIE, FLOWERS, DIE!" Hehehe. I wish we both weren't so busy because I miss hanging out with her.

5. Oddly enough, despite the stress, anxiety, exhaustion, fatigue, and generally unhealthy state I'm in, I'm really pretty content with life right now. I haven't freaked out about work yet, not the way I usually do at the end of the semester. I don't hate myself. I'm not angry. I'm not consumed with rage and frustration towards certain stupid people. I'm happy with where I am and the people I know and like, and am looking forward to the future. It's been a while since I've been so buoyant, and I like it. I hope it lasts. :: Knock on wood. ::

( :

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Now playing: Paula Cole - I Don't Want to Wait

5 Things

1. I freakin love Chandler on Friends. I either forgot or never knew until I recently started watching it almost obsessively. I never will be one of those people who's hardcore obsessed with the show...though it kind of fascinates me, wondering what about it endears it so much to so many, why so many people love it to the point that it's pretty much a must-know for all pop culture fanatics (future post topic?)...but man, I do love Chandler. He's rivaling Alan Shore right now, even though they're pretty much nothing alike. Five favorite male television characters ever (in alphabetical order by first name because I can't decide who I like best):

• Alan Shore
• Chandler Bing
• Jess Mariano
• John Dorian
• Shawn Hunter

I guess if I had to say, J.D. rounds out the list and his spot is vulnerable. Dr. Cox is pretty amazing, too, and there's just so many others who are great. Adam Rove might have beat J.D. if he hadn't cheated on Joan with friggin' Bonnie...Derek on Grey's was pretty close to beating him too. It's not just that he's an incredibly handsome human being. I do honestly really love his character. Swear. Haha.

2. John Mayer Trio is presently my favorite thing to listen to. Particularly the song "Vultures."

3. Every semester, I make unconscious (or conscious and just unspoken) resolutions that I'm going to stop procrastinating, sleep more, eat better, exercise, and not be a waste of life. And every semester that plan fails terribly, and eventually, everything comes crashing down and I hate everything. I'm pretty proud of the fact that the crashing this semester didn't occur until the last few weeks. And it's not even that bad - I'm still feeling pretty chipper, all things considered. Granted, crashing shouldn't happen at all. But hey. I still have 4 semesters left to straighten things out. 5 if I miscalculated...

4. I don't want to start thinking about grad schools, but I suppose I must. NYU sounds pretty good right now, but I don't want to be unrealistic, so I guess the search needs to be extended to include non-tier-one schools. Haha.

5. I'm in the mood for an '80s/Brat Pack movie day. Specifically, St. Elmo's Fire, The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, and Sixteen Candles. I feel like those are the 4 core ones anyway. I think I should. I could use a little Kevin, Bender, Blane, and Ducky, and besides, I've never seen Sixteen Candles all the way through. I just need the time...

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Now playing: Toploader - Dancin' in the Moonlight

This is a lot longer than I thought.

"Listen... When I was a boy my grandfather died, and he was a sculptor. He was also a very kind man who had a lot of love to give the world, and he helped clean up the slum in our town; and he made toys for us and he did a million things in his lifetime; he was always busy with his hands. And when he died, I suddenly realized I wasn't crying for him at all, but for all the things he did. I cried because he would never do them again, he would never carve another piece of wood or help us raise doves and pigeons in the backyard or play the violin the way he did, or tell us jokes the way he did. He was individual. He was an important man. I've never gotten over his death. Often I think what wonderful carvings never came to birth because he died. How many jokes are missing from the world, and how many homing pigeons untouched by his hands. He shaped the world. He did things to the world. The world was bankrupted of ten million fine actions the night he passed on...

"Everyone must leave something behind when he dies, my grandfather said. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes made. Or a garden planted. Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you're there. It doesn't matter what you do, he said, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. The difference between the man who just cuts lawns and a real gardener is in the touching, he said. The lawn cutter might just as well have not been there at all; the gardener will be there a lifetime...

"My grandfather showed me some V-2 rocket films once, fifty years ago. Have you ever seen the atom-bomb mushroom from two hundred miles up? It's a pinprick, it's nothing. With the wilderness all around it.

"My grandfather ran off the V-2 rocket film a dozen times and then hoped that someday our cities would open up more and let the green and the land and the wilderness in more, to remind people that we're allotted a little space on earth and that we survive in that wilderness that can take back what it has given, as easily as blowing its breath on us or sending the sea to tell us we are not so big. When we forget how close the wilderness is in the night, my grandpa said, someday it will come in and get us, for we will have forgotten how terrible and real it can be...

"Grandfather's been dead for all these years, but if you lifted my skull, by God, in the convolutions of my brain you'd find the big ridges of his thumbprint. He touched me. As I said earlier, he was a sculptor. 'I hate a Roman named Status Quo!' he said to me. 'Stuff your eyes with wonder,' he said, 'live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. Ask no guarantees, ask for no security, there never was such an animal. And if there were, it would be related to the great sloth which hangs upside down in a tree all day every day, sleeping its life away. To hell with that,' he said, 'shake the tree and knock the great sloth down on his ass.'"

- Granger, Fahrenheit 451 (Ray Bradbury)

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Now playing: Iron & Wine - Naked As We Came

No. 11

I forgot about this. It's from last week.

cold truth
warm trust
externally combust
hot sparks emit gold
amid flames red and bold
streaked with blue
...

lj

Don't like it much. Could be worse though.

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Now playing: John Mayer Trio - Something's Missing

A Dozen Things On My Mind

1. I hate allergies. I wish my throat didn't hurt.

2. My CF&F paper is way longer than I thought. It's at 9 pages now and I think I'm only about 2/3 of the way through and my paragraphs/sentences seem way too long and argh. Way frustrated. And not looking forward to my other two papers. At least this one is about a kickass movie!

3. With any luck, tonight shall be the first night I am asleep when the sun rises since Thursday. Woot.

4. If there is one thing I hate about Ramapo more than anything else, it's ResLife. They're beyond jerks. There's no words for the rage I feel towards them.

5. It's supposed to be gorgeous for the rest of the week which is pretty exciting. I wish I had time to hop over to the reservation and chill out before my allergies get REALLY bad, as they tend to do the last week of April/first week of May like clockwork.

6. The NRHC Conference is in ANNAPOLIS next year and I can't wait!!! Maybe I'll submit a paper or something. I really hope the new honors director is cool.

7. I finally read Fahrenheit 451 and it's pretty awesome. Lyrical/poetic sci-fi. Well played, Bradbury.

8. Every time I see the geese that stalk the path to the Overlook, I want to drop kick them. They're obnoxious. They honk a lot and hiss at innocent passers-by, and leave excrement all over the pavement. They can't just move over onto the grass. They always have to leave green crap in the middle of the path. Avoiding it is like a friggin' obstacle course.

9. 10 days until RPI. 20 days until finals are over. 26 days til Venice!!!! Yay!!!!!!

10. I think it should be summer right now. No homework. Beach. Friends. Barbecues! Concerts. Movies. Non-required books! Oh man. It sounds so sweet. I guess I ought to get a job, too.

11. Speaking of movies. This summer holds the promise of a whole slew of great ones. The ones I'm most anticipating:

• The Dark Knight (7/18) - If there's a midnight showing, I am SO there. This has topped my list of summer movies to see since, oh, maybe 2006? And I refuse to listen to any of this Heath Ledger posthumous Oscar babble. I adore him and all...I'm still in slight denial about the whole deal...but seriously. Like anyone would have even thought of considering it if he was still alive.
  
• Mamma Mia! (7/18) - It just looks like so much fun! Colin Firth singing and dancing to ABBA songs is an added bonus.
• Tropic Thunder (8/15) - Ben Stiller + Robert Downey Jr. + Jack Black mocking actors and Hollywood? Sounds absolutely glorious to me.
• The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 (8/8) - Guilty pleasure. Even if Blake Lively still can't act and Alexis Bledel is only mediocre, America Ferrara's good and Amber Tamblyn is amazing - "Do the women of 'Sex and the City' all share one pair of pants? I think not."
  
• Speed Racer (5/9) - If nothing else, it looks visually stunning. But add the Matrix guys at the helm and Emile Hirsch on screen - how could it be bad?
• Iron Man (5/2) - The fact that I know nothing about the comic is completely irrelevant. RDJ in another starring role - and looking badass - is enough for me.
• Wall-E (6/27) - Pixar never makes a bad movie. Ever. It's like a law of nature.
  
• Hancock (7/2) - Will Smith as an alcoholic superhero and Jason Bateman trying to save his public image. Even if the movie isn't that great, Will Smith can save anything. (:: Cough I Am Legend ::)

Others worth mentioning (well, some of them in a "maybe when it comes out on DVD" way):

• Wanted (6/27) - I hate Angelina Jolie with a passion. But I love James McAvoy even more. Conundrum.
  
• Made of Honor (5/2) - It doesn't look that great - and neither does Patrick Dempsey's hair, which is terribly unfortunate - but Michelle Monaghan has been making a name for herself in the 3 years since Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and I think she's pretty good, so there's that at least.
• The Incredible Hulk (6/13) - Yeah, the last one sucked (I heard). And yeah, Universal disagreed with Edward Norton and cut the film down to under 2 hours from the 2 hours 15 minutes version Norton wanted. But whatever. Bottom line: Edward Norton pretty much rocks everything he's in. (American History X, anyone?)
• Towelhead (8/15) - Promises to be...incredibly effed up. Written by the guy who wrote American Beauty, it's about a 13-year-old Lebanese girl coming of age...who gets molested by Aaron Eckhart's character. But then it's about her resilience and how she gets past it. But still. ?!?!
• Vicky Cristina Barcelona (8/29) - The latest Woody Allen. Javier Bardem, Scarlett Johansson, and Penelope Cruz. In Spain. Of course there's a love triangle. I'll wait for the DVD, but it still sounds good.
  
• Savage Grace (5/30) - Julianne Moore in an Oedipal-esque love triangle with her husband and son. Probably rivals Towelhead for most disturbing. I wonder where Laura Linney was during auditions - usually this kind of stuff draws her like a magnet.

Oh, also:

• Son of Rambow (5/2) - It just looks so cute. I'll wait for the DVD.
• Sex and the City (5/30) - I never even watched the show. I feel like I'd enjoy it though. And this movie also just looks like fun. Plus, I'll watch anything in which the New York setting figures largely. But I won't be stateside for its release, sooo...yeah.
  
• The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (5/16) - The last one was eh. Maybe this'll be better? All I can think of right now is Andy Samberg and the Magnolia Bakery...
  
• Get Smart (6/20) - I've seriously been seeing trailers for this for 2 years now. I have a feeling it'll disappoint, though.
• Pineapple Express (8/8) - Another dose of Judd Apatow. But if Paul Rudd doesn't even at least make a cameo appearance, I probably won't see it. I'm serious.
  

And I guess I should mention this little flick coming out May 22 that involves a crystal skull or something or other. I'll be in Venice so I probably won't see it, though that kid from Holes is in it so maybe I'll try to catch it when I get back...hahaha.

I am promising right now to work on my movie reviewing habits this summer. I'm going to try hard to do a write-up on every movie I see in theaters, and hopefully all the others I watch too. Perhaps I'll start a separate blog for them. We'll see.

12. I really like Special K Bliss bars. The raspberry ones. Yum.

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Now playing: John Mayer Trio - Vultures

(13. Making this a baker's dozen - I really, really like this song. I recommend you listen to it.)

"The Myth of 'Hidden Meaning'"

I know I said I had no time to write, but I am taking a well-deserved break to say that my Crime: Fiction & Film professor is AWESOME. Pretty much every lit class here requires you to buy his book, The Prentice Hall Pocket Guide to Writing About Literature. I rarely use it, but I saw today in the second section a bit entitled "The Myth of 'Hidden Meaning'" so of COURSE I had to keep reading.

(If you don't read this, I understand. It's long.)

THE MYTH OF "HIDDEN MEANING"

One of the first concepts we should consider in our attempt to identify what we write about when we write about literature is the nebulous concept of "hidden meaning." Often students say something such as "I read the story but I didn't get the hidden meaning." We might even refer to this aspect of literature as the "deep secret hidden meaning." Let us examine this phenomenon.

Anyone who has taken a literature course has probably had this experience: You are given a reading assignment, say, a poem. You read the poem, and it describes in beautiful language, say, a bird singing in a tree. You return to class and tell the professor, "That poem is about a bird singing in a tree." The professor smiles a tired, disappointed smile and explains, "Yes, well that's a common misreading. Actually, the poem is about the poet's unresolved feelings of anger toward his mother. But good try!" Here is born the myth of deep secret hidden meaning! Literary works often are not about what they seem to be about; they are about what the teacher says they are about--and only English teachers can figure out what these hidden meanings are.

Well, we should put this to rest: generally speaking, assume that there is no such thing as hidden meaning in literature. Should literary works only be read on the literal level? No. Should we stop looking for symbol and metaphor in literature? No. Should we say literary works do not contain levels of meaning not apparent on first reading? No.

Literary works should be read on literal and figurative levels.

Careful readers of literature should look for symbol and metaphor and figurative language of all kinds.

Literary works do contain levels of meaning not apparent on first reading. They are just not hidden.

If we read a work of literature assuming that the work contains hidden meaning, then we must assume also that the author has intentionally hidden it. Under this theory, literature becomes a sadistic puzzle in which "famous authors" write works with carefully hidden subtexts that no one is supposed to find. It is the literary equivalent of backward masking on rock and roll records. You can only really appreciate Led Zeppelin if you listen to their music backward!

No. Literature is a means by which authors express themselves and by which sophisticated writers and readers communicate with one another. When a work of literature is really touching and powerful, the reader feels that he or she is in the presence of this other person, whether or not that person is living or dead. It is still possible for us to know Tolstoy or Austen or Dickens or Homer or Dickinson or Shakespeare because these people chose to express themselves in their work...

Back to our poem about the bird in the tree. If the poet was skillful enough, or if the images in the poem evoke other images in the reader's mind, the poem can mean many things. it can be a poem about a bird in a tree or about the poet's unresolved anger toward his mother or about the Russian Revolution or the history of rock and roll! Some of these readings will resonate with many readers, some with only a few. Hopefully all of the variant readings will bring some satisfaction and pleasure to the readers. Perhaps all are valid readings. Perhaps all of these meanings were intended by the poet. But these meanings are not hidden--they are on view for those who care to see them.

There's more in between, and after that he goes on to include an excerpt on interpreting literary works. But yeah. At least I've had one professor who would never ask us, "What was Chandler trying to tell his readers? What did he MEAN?" He'll explore different theories with us, but he never pretends there's a single, solitary meaning, and he never explicitly asks us, "What did the author mean?" Yay for individual interpretation over theorizing a right/wrong answer. Hehe.

Now back to work. In truth, I really only took a break so I could listen to John Mayer Trio songs while I typed because I didn't have to concentrate. Tee hee. Good stuff.

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Now playing: John Mayer Trio - Good Love Is On The Way

The problem with pondering while driving is that I can't write down what I'm pondering while I drive.

And then I forget it and get really annoyed.

Rawr.

UPDATE 1:08 am - Muahaha. I remembered. But I don't have time to write it now. So yeah. Patience, grasshopper. ( :

Yet another movie that I really enjoyed. I enjoy a lot of movies.

Juno: I'm losing my faith in humanity.
Mac MacGuff: Think you can narrow it down for me?
Juno: I guess I wonder sometimes if people ever stay together for good.
Mac MacGuff: You mean like couples?
Juno: Yeah, like people in love.
Mac MacGuff: Are you having boy troubles? I gotta be honest; I don't much approve of dating in your condition, 'cause well... that's kind of messed up.
Juno: Dad, no!
Mac MacGuff: Well, it's kind of skanky. Isn't that what you girls call it? Skanky? Skeevy?
Juno: Please stop now.
Mac MacGuff: [persisting] Tore up from the floor up?
Juno: Dad, it's not about that. I just need to know if it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever, or at least for a few years.
Mac MacGuff: It's not easy, that's for sure. Now, I may not have the best track record in the world, but I have been with your stepmother for 10 years now and I'm proud to say that we're very happy.
[Juno nods]
Mac MacGuff: In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.

Gosh. He makes it sound so easy. Hahaha. My whole problem with Daddy MacGuff's logic is that finding someone who loves you for exactly what you are means finding someone that you trust as someone who definitely knows what you are. I mean, let's say you find someone and you both fall in love and all that fun stuff, and you're together for quite a while. But one day, he/she discovers something they never knew about you, or realizes that you aren't what they thought you were. Then what does that leave you with? Someone you thought loved you but realizes they love someone who doesn't exist? Great.

In that sense, maybe "what you are" is simply defined by your most basic beliefs and habits. Strip away the attitudes, behaviors, and whatnot, to the constants, or at least to the variables least likely to change. Say, the way you say hi to strangers. The way you always put others before yourself. The way you grow your own herbs or make your own clothes or forget to put the cap on the toothpaste. Stupid little things. Some of which reflect bigger things. But still.

I dunno. It's 4:32 am and I should so be sleeping. Bottom line: I really like Juno and everyone should see it. The end.

I was being facetious.

I think it's funny how different aspects of our personalities are highlighted around different people.

I feel like generally, people try to be themselves. Or say they just "are" themselves. That they don't try to be someone they're not, or pretend to be someone they're not. I think these people generally tell the truth, or at least, think they're telling the truth. But I also think that they're not always wholly themselves. Different facets of themselves shine around different people, all of them part of a single person, though they may seem like completely separate personalities. When these are all together as a unified whole, I think that's when a person is most "himself".

It's easy to find people who bring out different parts of your personality, but I think it's difficult to find people around whom you feel like you are being wholly and completely yourself, in purest and most unaffected form. I even think it's easier to find people who bring out the best in you - or who bring out the worst. Finding someone whom, when you're around him or her, you just think, "I feel like myself" - always - that doesn't happen often, I don't think. And in a way, it's kind of a miracle.

That's all.

I did write another poem during an ultra boring Lit & Film class today.
But I also didn't remember to tear it out of my Lit & Film notebook.
And I also left my Lit & Film notebook in my room.
(I'm at work.)
I'll post it eventually.
It sucks anyway.
Perhaps I'll write another one instead of doing my homework.
I think that sounds like a marvelous plan.

Also, I was in the bookstore today and I found this Fresh Ink card that I really like that I forgot exists, but it makes me smile every time I see it. On the front is a herd of sheep shown in black and white, except for one that is wearing this hideous red printed bow tie. It says "To add to my misery, no one here thinks I'm funny." Or something like that. And on the inside it says something like, "What is wrong with these people?" It's really amusing, and it' s completely me. Except I would never wear a hideous red bow tie. Ever. That sheep, though, was totally pulling it off.

Okay, that legitimately was not funny. Or at least, it was a lot funnier in my head. Then again, most things are.

Also, Things to Buy This Weekend:

1. Juno
2. The new Gavin DeGraw album
3. Season 4 of "Friends." Maybe. I really shouldn't be spending so much $. So maybe not.
4. Clothes

Must make myself save $ for Venice. Hehehe.

Oops. I almost forgot.

Now for post 2938 of today.

I almost forgot I wrote another poem instead of doing homework when I woke up 2 hours ago.

Again, I don't like it very much, but whatever. Here it is. Read it and feel confident that you can produce something better. Hahaha.

lukewarm beer
and a cigarette
deserted they lie
night
cool, salty
fades away to sunrise
cries of gulls screech
beseech the ghosts of guests
on dim damp beach
none there to bear
witness
all stumbled away
faded bluejeans
...


livejournal

That's all. For real this time.

'Gone Baby Gone' and Moral Ambiguity.

So this movie was pretty damn good. Plot description coming up with possible spoilers. If you're one of those people who can't watch a movie if you know how it ends, then forget it. Go away. Vanish. (Okay. I think I've watched Kiss Kiss Bang Bang a few too many times now.) But seriously. This movie's definitely worth taking the time to watch, and if you're going to refuse to watch it because I ruined the ending, then stop reading now.

The short version: Casey Affleck and Michelle Monaghan are Patrick and Angie, a pair of young, inexperienced private detectives hired by a Boston woman and her husband, Bea and Lionel, to find their missing niece Amanda, who's about four - she's the daughter of his trashy, coke-addict sister Helene. Enter Morgan Freeman as Capt. Doyle and Ed Harris as Det. Remy Bressant. Doyle is the head of a unit that specializes in finding missing persons, who brought Remy out from Louisiana years earlier. These guys have the experience, but Patrick and Angie have the connections and know the people of the rough neighborhood the girl is from. Throw in suspects ranging from gang members to drug dealers to pedophiles, and you have a pretty messy scenario that you don't want to have anything to do with. Patrick and Angie take the case anyway. Over the course of months, the investigation is closed and reopened, another child goes missing, suspects come and go, authority figures come into question, and in the end, Patrick and Angie - Patrick in particular - are faced with a moral quandary that doesn't seem to have any good answers, and they are forced to define right and wrong, good and bad, based on their own persons, on what they think is right. It's pretty intense.

And okay, my roommate's boyfriend is snoring. Loudly.

Anyway, I really liked the movie. I think when you get down to it, the world really isn't black and white. You can choose to see it that way, but I think that is, in essence, denying reality and avoiding it. In this film, everything is just this dark, gross, murky gray that is every shade of wrong. You have good people doing the wrong thing for good reason, and how do you deal with that? Do you look the other way or do you do what, morally, is the "right" thing to do, even though it might not be the easiest thing to do or even the best thing, in the long run? I think in a black and white world, what Patrick ends up doing is what would be considered the "right" thing. But in the real world, I wonder if it really is. The movie ends in that ambiguous state - with Patrick clearly wondering if he made the right choice - and it's hard to tell. It's hard to know what would have happened next if the movie kept going, if it showed the people's lives 20 years later. And it's hard to know, because it could have gone in several directions. I think that how you think the story ends sort of shows how you're inclined to view the world and life, kind of the way that the end of Life of Pi challenges your faith. You can think a child can overcome his or her environment and not be completely messed up after growing up in an insanely dysfunctional home that's not conducive to raising children, or you can think that a child growing up in those circumstances is doomed from the very beginning in an Oscar Wilde "every woman becomes her mother" way.

It's funny. I definitely thought, as I watched the end, that Patrick made the decision that guy would make and Angie made the decision a woman would make. He went the straight-up moral route. She went the morally-less-acceptable-but-more-emotionally-influenced route. His concern was for how the adult this child would become would feel about everything, and for the child's mother. Her concern was for the child and the adult that the child, outside its home, had the potential to become. He chose with his head. She chose with her heart.

In all honesty, I would probably have taken Angie's route, but it would have been, in part, for selfish reasons: I don't think I could have lived with myself if I made Patrick's choice. It would have been torture to wonder for the rest of my life whether or not things were going to turn out okay for the kid. And if they didn't, I don't know how I'd ever handle the guilt of knowing I condemned a child to a miserable life.

Okay. I should have been doing homework. Slash sleeping some more. But oh well. I'll just panic later.

Life really bugs me.

Well, no.

What really bugs me is the realization I made at the beginning of freshman year that, for the rest of my life, I'm going to have to keep proving my worth to everyone I meet. I realized that, in a way, everything I did in high school, I did in part for the wrong reasons. Partly, I was so involved and worked so hard because that's who I am. I tried doing the non-involvement thing last year, and it was miserable. Now I'm over my head in activities and such again, and as rough as some days are, it's infinitely better than not doing anything and not being involved at all, though, I had probably needed that downtime given how burnt out from high school I was.

But part of the reason I was so burnt out in high school is because I kept thinking I had to. Getting into college is so competitive, I needed to keep doing all this stuff, to be such a perfectionist, so I could have the privilege of choosing a college, and not depend on a college choosing me. In the end, I probably went to the least selective of all of them. But also the cheapest. But that's neither here nor there.

At the beginning of last year, I was thinking about double majoring, and I didn't know what to do. I thought I might want a writing-based career, but then I realized that a) I didn't think I was good enough a writer to succeed or even live by writing, and b) I didn't want to spend the rest of my life submitting my work to someone else to have them tell me whether or not it's good enough. And to make a living by writing, that's what you need to do. Whether it's an editor telling you whether or not it's good enough, or the public telling you whether or not they like it, writers make a living not by enlightening through their works, but by being judged whether or not it's good enough, and I don't think I could live like that. I don't write for anyone else but me. It's my thing. I don't think I could do that. The only way I possibly could, I think, is as a critic, but a) that's such a difficult field to break into, and b) I don't think I could be okay with a life of writing about other people's work. I mean, I could, but only if I kept creating myself, and I don't think I could do both.

Notice any trend throughout all of that? Yeah, the whole me thinking thing kind of keeps getting in the way. But what happens if I don't think about that? I don't know. I've got too many interests to devote myself to just one. Maybe I'll hope one of my friends gets really rich and gives me the capital to write and publish myself. Muahaha. I'm going to have to marry rich. Except I'm mildly certain I'm not going to marry at all, which kind of throws a wrench into that plan.

So I keep thinking about all this stuff, and then stopping and realizing, wait. I should just stop thinking and worrying about everything. Whatever happens, happens, and as long as I don't just sit around on my ass waiting for things to happen, everything should just fall into place. Everything works together for good, right. (Though I can't get rid of the nagging suspicion that that's the kind of idealistic assumption that's going to be my downfall. Damn being a worrier by nature. Damnit.)

"Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.
If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.
For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.
Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion, that it may sing;
And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes."
- Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

RAWR.

I jinxed it.

Today needs to be over.

Well, yesterday, technically.

But I could use today being over too. And tomorrow.

And actually, it should be May 13 right now. RIGHT NOW, DAMNIT.

Double rawr.

P.S. On a separate note, I love Angus McPhee. He's kind of wonderful. And please take note of the little sticker on the back of the mocha machine-amabobber. Tee hee. :: COUGH Ramapo Geese by the Overlook :: I'm still rather pissed at Jeph Jacques though. That jerk better send my stuff soon. RAWR.

The clouds above us join and separate...

...The breeze in the courtyard leaves and returns.
Life is like that, so why not relax?
Who can stop us from celebrating?

No one. I've been in an astonishingly good mood for quite a few days now, and I think I know why. Can't explain it though. It just is, and whatever. I'm not going to think about it.

Rawr. I can't find the quote I'm looking for. It says something to the effect of, you can't think of life as a series of battles, of wins and losses, because once you do, you've already lost. To an extent, I think that's true. On the one hand, competition can motivate, but on the other, that's really not what it's about. Battle with yourself, maybe. But once you start assuming that there are winners and losers in life, and that one must exist for the other to - if you think that you're a winner, you start cultivating that arrogance, that snobbish "I'm better than you" feeling, and then you're lost. That's such a common theme in the Russian stories I've been reading this semester - the downfall of the arrogant or powerful. It's definitely something to be aware of, I think. But also, there's a difference between confidence and arrogance.

(Update 4/16: Found it. Duh. The Bisy Backsons who think of progress in terms of fighting and overcoming. Makes sense considering that verse up there is also from The Tao of Pooh.)

On a completely separate note, I really enjoy Augustana's EP (particularly the song "Hey Now") that came out a month or however long ago, and I'm really looking forward to their new album. Ditto Gavin DeGraw's, and, when they finally come, Anna Nalick's and Howie Day's.

----------------
Now playing: Augustana - I Still Ain't Over You

Jocelyn: Sex is messy. Maybe Mrs. Dashwood prefers a more well-ordered life.
Grigg: Maybe that's why she's such a minor character.
Jocelyn: I think if you read Austen's novels...
Grigg: Oh, I have. You wanted me to, and I did.
Jocelyn: I think you'll see she always writes in favor of order and self-control. Nothing unwise.
Allegra: Nothing in haste.
Grigg: So what, this is a rulebook?
Bernadette: We could do worse.

(The Jane Austen Book Club)

Not really sure where I was going to go with this. But that's okay. It's still awesome.

Perhaps I'll think of it on the morrow.

"On the morrow"? Who the hell talks like that? Or even writes like that any more? Or ever?

Jeebus. I'm going to sleep.

John Mayer is wonderful.

Again, I have zero excuse for being up this late.
Actually no. This time I have an excuse. I slept from 8:30-11:30 tonight, then woke up. That's like 2/3 a night of sleep for me.
So I'm lying in bed going through my iTunes library, fixing all the artist/album names on the tracks I have from mix CD's from friends.
I found this random John Mayer track I didn't know I have (it was "CD Audio Track 8" until a few minutes ago) and I instantly fell in love.

"Comfortable"

I just remembered that time at the market
Snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down aisle 5
You looked behind you to smile back at me
Crashed into a rack full of magazines
They asked us if we could leave

Can't remember what went wrong last September
Though I'm sure that you'd remind me if you had to

Our love was
Comfortable and
So broken in

I sleep with this new girl I'm still getting used to
My friends all approve, say she's gonna be good for you
They throw me high fives
She says the bible is all that she reads
And prefers that I not use profanity
Your mouth was so dirty

Life of the party and she swears that she's artsy
But you could distinguish Miles from Coltrane

Our love was
Comfortable and
So broken in
She's perfect
so flawless
Or so they say, say

She thinks I can't see the smile that she's fakin'
And poses for pictures that aren't being taken
I loved you
Gray sweat pants
No makeup
So perfect

Our love was
Comfortable and
So broken in
She's perfect
So flawless
I'm not impressed
I want you back...

<333
----------------
Now playing: John Mayer - Comfortable

"Know thine self."

I was just thinking the other day about Joe Cermatori, who spoke when my class was inducted into NHS 3 years ago, and that's what his speech was about - "Know thine self." This is what I wrote (typed?) in my journal about it:

The ceremony itself was nice. Joe Cermatori was the guest speaker, he graduated here in 2001, went to Princeton majoring in English Drama, keeping up with his acting and singing, and working on directing a few productions as well. Next year he’s entering Yale starting his doctoral work. He gave a great speech centered about Hamlet’s “To thine own self be true” speech, and how it should really be “Know thine self.” How character is the hardest part of the 4 characteristics concentrated upon in NHS, and how to be true to ourselves, we have to know ourselves, and be sure we don’t spend all of our time on advancing our résumés, but also time doing stuff like writing in journals and reading and just thinking, getting to know ourselves. Dad went on about how he had a very sharp speech, and how he’s a smart, wise kid, which amused me greatly, seeing that I’ve thought about a lot of the stuff he mentioned in his speech before now – the whole know yourself bit, only I thought about knowing oneself to respect oneself, not being true to oneself, but how much difference is there anyway?

Hahahaha. Funny how things change in a few years. I thought I knew myself so well then. That spring is when I first started feeling more aware of my life. Everything before that is hazy, blurry. But I remember isolated moments from that spring, on, so well. I thought I was just this strong, independent girl who didn't have time for assholes. Who interfered when her best friends were being hurt. Who didn't have a problem "preaching," who learned more from observing other people's mistakes than from making them herself. Now I'm not sure what I think, but I plan on figuring it out. I have somewhere to start now. I think this summer's going to be good for me. ( :
<333

----------------
Now playing: Augustana - Hey Now

An addendum of sorts to that last post...

Addendum? Is that even a word? Whatever. Just something else I meant to add to that post this afternoon, the one about what you do vs. who you are.

It's funny how the emphasis between the two shifts. Sometimes, like I said, we're insisting, "Just because he did something bad, doesn't mean he's a bad person," but we also point out that "Actions speak louder than words," and really, all the world really knows of you is what you do. Personally I find it frustrating because even though it's not like I don't care what people do, it can be really difficult to discern to what extent their actions represent who they are, what they value, etc., and that's the kind of stuff I want to know. Who was it, C.S. Lewis maybe, who said something like, "Friendship is a slow-ripening blossom" or something like that? Or it was Aristotle and "Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow-ripening fruit." Hahaha. Not even remotely close. Same sentiment, and that's what I was getting at. I'm impatient. I don't like having to wait, because often, it doesn't take me that long to trust them as a friend. Which is kind of funny considering I'm slow to trust in general. But whatever. Major digression. What else is new.

The whole thing I was getting at, is how I think it's funny that when we have conversations with other people, we spend so much time talking about what we do. When we ask someone, "How was your weekend," we usually follow it up with "What did you do?" or "What happened?" If they say, "Nothing," then we're disappointed. Bored. Stories about things that people have done entertain us. So in that sense, aren't our actions superficial? Small talk is about the trivial, and about what we do. That's about it. Conversations about things that matter are labeled as "serious", and consequently as "boring" or "depressing". Well, unless you're me, or similar. Haha. But I mean, I don't really have a problem talking about more abstract stuff, or what I believe in, or any of that kind of stuff, that other people avoid because it makes them uncomfortable, or that they only talk about with "close" friends. Try talking to an acquaintance about something like that some time, and watch how fast they clam up and get flustered. It's annoying, because that's how I am when I try to make small talk, hahaha. Well, sometimes. Lately.

I suppose because it's easier for me to talk about that kind of stuff, I've always been that kid who more enjoys sitting and talking with the adults than with the kids. I dunno. It's not that I don't like to hear stories about what my friends do - I suppose I'm more honestly interested in that than most people, because it doesn't matter to me whether or not what they do is "entertaining - but I'm interested because I care, and I care because I like them as a person, not just what they do. It's just frustrating because I'm not really interested in surface bonds based on what they do that's entertaining. Not worth wasting my time. Tell me something worth knowing about you. Tell me why I should like you. Why I should respect you. Well, that's not really what I mean. I suppose keen observation will tell you more about a person than them saying "I'm trustworthy" or "I don't lie" or something like that. I guess...I don't know. I shouldn't write this late. I'm not making sense. I'm not finding a decent way to verbalize what I mean. Maybe I'll try another time.

----------------
Now playing: Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life

I started writing this 6 months ago and am finally finishing it.

I think the disparity between what we do and who we are is a really strange thing. My brain has trouble reconciling the two. Like I think I've said in the past, it seems like your actions should reflect who you are as a person. But I was thinking the other day. Maybe one or the other is just something superficial and ultimately irrelevant.

I mean, really. You can be the most morally straight person in the world, but one mistake - one situation that train-wrecks on you - one false move - if it's epic enough, that's it. Does that one mistake define you? That stupid quote from Batman Begins (well, it's not stupid, but it's a succinct way of stating something that bothers me), "It's not who I am inside, but what I do, that defines me." Who you are defines you to yourself. But how you act defines you to the rest of the world. Strangers don't know who you are. They judge by what you do, until/unless they take the time to "get to know" you. But does that even matter? Or maybe it's the other way around. Maybe what you do is superficial. It's just the surface, and who you are inside is what really matters. I guess really they both matter, since they're intrinsically linked and inseparable.

You can know what's right from what's wrong and what you consider to be the highest, purest way to live. You can aim for an ideal life of loving everyone, being merciful, loyal, determined, vulnerable, strong, and all that. But does it really matter? Unless you personify all that, unless you do as you say, are you the person you see on the inside? Or is that just the person you want to be? Your ideal that you work towards but will never achieve?

I guess to some degree it depends on how successful your attempts are. And I guess that the important thing is that you try. People always distinguish that there's a difference between being a bad person who does bad things, and being a good person who did a bad thing. I bet there are plenty of "good" people in prison but for one bad thing. But just because they're a "good" person, doesn't negate the fact that they did something bad. Same thing. Just because you aspire to be a "good" person, doesn't mean that your actions or true personality reflect that.

I don't think I actually said what I was trying to get across. But that's okay. I've got other stuff to do.

----------------
Now playing: Augustana - Hey Now

"You do not know how much they mean to me, my friends..."

I would just like to say I have some AMAZING friends and I would be lost without them. Hell, I'm semi-lost even with them, so I'd be stuck in an infinite abyss without them, haha. Love them all, they and my family are my world and I hope they know that.

Also while I was bored in AFP tonight I was thinking about how even if I'm not completely satisfied with college, I'm still glad to be here if for no other reason than for the handful of great people I've had the pleasure of meeting. My life is all the richer for having met them and I'm grateful for it. And for having met my friends' new friends. Friends are wonderful things, aren't they? <333

You do not know how much they mean to me, my friends,
And how, how rare and strange it is, to find
In a life composed so much of odds and ends…
To find a friend who has these qualities,
Who has, and gives
Those qualities upon which friendship lives.
How much it means that I say this to you –
Without these friendships - life, what cauchemar!
- T.S. Eliot, “Portrait of a Lady”

So I was bored in class...

It was 20th Century American Foreign Policy and we were watching The Fog of War: Eleven Lessons from the Life of Robert S. McNamara. It was kind of interesting and pretty good, as a film, but I was just so tired and bored. I doodled and wrote random things and ate dark chocolate M&M's and tried to remember what Simon & Garfunkel's song "A Simple Desultory Philippic (Or How I Was McNamara'd Into Submission" is about. (I just looked up the lyrics. I still can't tell you what it's about.)

Anyway, I wrote 2 poems. Well, I wrote one, and then I started one and finished it at work. They're eh. But it's been a while since I posted anything of substance so I'll put them up anyway. For all 2 of you who read this. Hehehehe.

No. 8

memory f l o w s
wine from a cask
dry fruit in a drop
bold flirtation
intoxication
...


No. 9

blue note
→ grace
lights upon your face
diffusing serenity
singin through the pain
rhythm
rhythm n blues
cerulean n midnight hues
...

Okay, I lied. I kind of like the second one. Sort of. (It kind of gets better after what's there, I swear.) No. 4 is still my favorite.

P.S. The formatting looks better if you go to the actual journal page here than when it's that blech Verdana font, I just put those links there because if I add other posts, you'll have to scroll/search to find the poem in question.

"Are you there, God?...

...It's me, Joan.
And you SUCK."

This semester needs to be over right now.

I think I'm going to drop out of school and move to a deserted island in the south Pacific.

Shhh, don't tell anyone.

I'm assuming you already know or don't care who won the NCAA Men's Basketball finals...

Okay, really quick: during the last half hour of my incredibly lame night at work, 2 guys came in to watch Kansas and Memphis in OT during the NCAA finals. Kansas ended up winning by like 7 points, and the MVP was Mario something who made the 3-pointer to tie it up to begin with when Memphis missed a bunch of free throws or something. So the game is over and the announcers are talking about how amazing this kid is and how the way Kansas came back from being 9 points from behind to win by 8 or whatever it was is going to go down in the history books, blah blah blah. They're replaying this kid's game-tying 3-pointer and the crowd is still going wild, and they're talking about how this kid is going to be known for this shot for the rest of his life, how he's always going to be remembered for this, and so on and so forth.

I couldn't help stand there and think, wow. If this kid never does anything else to be remembered by, if all the happiness of his life hinges on a three-point shot during a basketball game when he was in college, then that's really, really sad. I mean, I'm not saying that it wasn't amazing or that he doesn't deserve to be remembered for it or that there isn't a really good chance that this is what he'll be remembered for even if he does continue to have a more illustrious career, and that's way more than I'll ever be remembered for by anyone. But still. How's he going to feel years from now when he can barely make a free throw, and his entire life has been defined by making a great shot during a single basketball game that, odds are, a lot of basketball fans don't even remember any more. I guess if he's lucky, he'll manage to go out there and do great things off court and be remembered for them as well and be able to do something that makes him happy and doesn't let the highlight of his life be this one shot. Poor kid. He's got a lot of pressure on him now.

One of my favorite shows ever.

There are several reasons I am bitter towards CBS. I mean, despite a slight decline in content quality and ratings in the past few years, I'm a fan. The Monday night comedies. David Letterman (much cooler than Jay Leno) and Craig Ferguson (as cool as Conan O'Brien). Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes. Gotta mention the editors of Big Brother - good work, guys. Speaking of reality shows, they've got Survivor, the original network reality show (which is actually probably as much a bad thing as it is good) and The Amazing Race, which really is as close to quality television as reality network TV gets. And of course, CSI, the greatest procedural drama on television (the Miami and New York spin-offs can be forgiven).

I do have a few problems with some of CBS's decisions. The story arc involving Sara and Grissom on CSI? Eurgh. Sara and Greg or even Sara and Nick would have been much less disturbing. And I was bummed when they cancelled The Class last year (but kudos for getting rid of the annoying blonde chick before ending the series). And seriously, Dr. Phil? Not to mention, they're the network associated with "Nipple Gate," the Janet Jackson / Super Bowl fiasco.

What I resent CBS for the most is the cancellation of Joan of Arcadia after its second season and replacing it with Ghost Whisperer or whatever the hell that Jennifer Love Hewitt show is. They gave Joan a crappy time slot (Friday nights at 8 pm?!?!) and then cancelled it when it didn't pull in enough viewers. NOTHING in that time slot ever does well! The end of the second season left viewers with a MAJOR cliff hanger that was never resolved. It was upsetting. It's still one of my favorite shows ever. Comfort TV. Hehe.

The whole premise of the show: a teenage girl moves to a new town with her family when her dad gets a job in the police department. Her mom works at her high school as an office assistant or something and eventually as an art teacher. She has an older brother out of high school who's a paraplegic, having gotten in an accident involving a drunk friend driving in his senior year, and her younger brother is in high school with her and a certified nerd. She's angsty and disgruntled with her life, and God starts talking to her, presenting Himself in several forms (cute guy, dog-walker, little girl, goth kid, old lady) and He starts setting her tasks. Mostly they seem simple - get a job, take AP physics, get an A on a test, join a club, etc. - but they always end up having much bigger consequences than she expects and teaching her something about life. It was really a great show. At least it's on DVD now. I was watching an episode from season 1 the other night, where God instructs Joan to help out around the house with chores and such. She ends up having to take care of her sick brother and make dinner and run errands and deal with a ton of little responsibilities, and over-booking herself with her friends and having trouble balancing it all with school. At the end, after she's had a really long, hard day and gets in all sorts of trouble and is frustrated in general, God approaches her the next day in school.

[Goth God approaches Joan at her locker]
Joan: Oh. You again. Do you ever show up when I actually need help?
Goth God: You don’t need me. You’re doing great.
Joan: Oh. Okay, and so you’re here to, what, show me your new nose ring?
Goth God: I want you to pick up some cream of wheat on your way home.
Joan: Cream of what?
Goth God: Cream of wheat. It’s got a lot of iron, and Luke needs it.
Joan: No. You don’t get it. I’m done. Luke gets to put on his space suit, Mom made it to her meeting, crisis averted, have a pleasant day.
[Walks away, pauses, turns around]
You’re not gonna stop me?
Goth God: It’s your choice to walk away. I just think it’s interesting that out of all the tasks I’ve given you, buying cream of wheat is the one you’re abandoning.
Joan: Because it’s endless! It’s a black hole of never-ending worries and responsibilities.
Goth God: It’s called growing up.
Joan: Well, what if I don’t want to?
Goth God: In the brief time we’ve been talking here, thousands of cells in your body have died and renewed themselves. You’re changing all the time. That’s how you know you’re alive.
Joan: It just seems so scary. [Pause] . . . And now here’s the part where you reassure me . . . ?
Goth God: It is scary. . . Fortunately, you’re not alone.

Later:
Joan: I always thought once you were an adult, you just sort of. . . wake up with all the answers.
Helen: Yeah, that’d be nice. There’s hardly ever any answers. . . just more questions.

That's kind of depressing. But kind of reassuring too. And that's what I loved about that show. It often faced hard truths, but always reminded you that you're not alone. <333

I found the birthday book!

December 11

The optimistic archer born on this day is not afraid to take chances when the rewards seem worth the risks. Inherently friendly and magnanimous, you like people and they like you. You're a kindhearted diplomat with a sparkling wit and a fiery spirit. Honest to the core, you still manage to tell it like it is without hurting anyone's feelings. You may sometimes feel uncertain about what you want to do in life. However, once you find a truly exciting project, your enthusiasm won't quit until your goal has been reached.

December 11th people, with their cheerful temperament and sincere concern for others, rarely fail to make a good impression. Blessed with the capacity for understanding all sides of an issue, you have a knack for combining intellectual reasoning with intuition, which accounts for many of your wise decisions. Your response to most problems and difficulties is calm and harmonious. While you may be easygoing, however, your Sagittarian independence keeps you from being overly influenced by other people's opinions. Although you listen to what everyone has to say, in the end you make your own decisions.

In an intimate relationship, you long for the emotional security of a committed partnership. But you also need freedom and independence. You get bored and restless if you stick close to home for too long. Your ideal mate is someone who understands the duality of your nature and supports or shares your love of travel and adventure.

Hahahahaha. I forgot about this. I love the birthday book. It's so much fun. If not completely accurate. But it's horoscope silliness. It's just fun. ( :

Haha. Apparently the medicine I take for my allergies/asthma is recently under investigation for being a possible cause of "behavior/mood changes, suicidality (suicidal thinking and behavior) and suicide."

Hahahahaha.

I SWEAR I'M NOT SUICIDAL. Seriously.

Other possible side effects include trouble sleeping. Hahahaha. Okay, guilty there.

Photo ideas.

I just want to say that I thought of ideas for couple photography projects a while ago that I'd like to pursue but probably won't due to the lack of willing subjects.

1) I wanted to do a series of portraits of mis amigos like Henny Garfunkel's celebrity Polaroids: just telling the person they can do whatever they want, snapping the picture, printing the image, and making them sign it. But getting people to do it is the tricky part, and the whole part of having to get good snapshots that really capture the person's personality doesn't help.

2) I think a series of images of people sleeping would be really cool. A person asleep is so pure...there's absolutely no artifice or guise for you to hide behind you when you sleep. You're completely vulnerable, and innocent, even. And if you don't look innocent when you're asleep...then daaamn. That'd make for a great picture too, though. But I feel like people would be a bit wary of being photographed while sleeping. Plus I'd kind of feel like a creep. But when it's photography for the sake of art, I get over that slightly-creepy feeling really fast. Haha.

That's all I got. I think that'd be a good time, though, and "occupation for an idle hour." Well, for an idle summer. ( :

(P.S. Clearly I started reading Persuasion against my better judgment, haha. I'm going to have to leave it at home so I can get my work done.)

(P.P.S. I hate that "judgment" doesn't have an "e." Merriam-Webster says that spelling it with the "e" is acceptable, but MS Word says it isn't. I'm inclined to trust M-W, but it's still obnoxious when it comes up with the little squiggly red line underneath it in Word when I'm writing a paper or something.)

"Unconditional" Love, 'Mansfield Park,' 'The Jane Austen Book Club,' and Marriage.

Okay. So our parents are supposed to love us unconditionally, and I suppose, vice versa. I mean, they literally give us life, whether by bringing us into the world or raising and teaching us, or both. And I feel like that's a big line with parents: "You know you can always come to us with anything. We'll always love you no matter what." And so on and so forth. Just unconditional love. Though on some level, I feel like that's kind of redundant, because if love really is pure and true and all that, then wouldn't it be unconditional, and if it wasn't, then wouldn't it not be love? At least, in theory. But anyway.

Rereading Death of a Salesman made me think about that state of unconditional love between parents and their children, and how desolate a person must feel without that. I mean, you have Willy Loman, who thinks his son Biff has been spiting him for 15 years, and breaks down in the end when Biff cries on his shoulder, and Willy realizes that, despite everything, Biff really does love him. Then, you have Willy's wife Linda, who takes his side over her sons', and actually kicks Biff out and agrees that he shouldn't come home or write back ever again. And I don't want to spoil the ending for anyone who hasn't seen it, but Before the Devil Knows You're Dead... Albert Finney's character...he must decide between his love for his wife or mercy for his sons. In Mansfield Park, the Prices have no qualms shipping off their 10-year-old daughter Fanny to live with her aunt, uncle, and cousins, and are not in contact with her for 8 or 9 years. When she is able to visit and they finally see her again, they welcome her with indifference - at the most. Then at the end, Sir Thomas pretty much disowns his daughter when she enters a scandalous affair with the guy trying to court Fanny (even though she is thoroughly repulsed by him). I don't know. I just think it's incredible that there are people who can choose not to love their children like that. Even in putting her baby up for adoption, a mother is showing more love than these characters. It makes me wonder, though, is there even such a thing as truly "unconditional" love? Wouldn't unconditional love be eternal? So if all love is finite, if it all can end or learned to be dissolved, then can it ever really be unconditional? Yet I suppose one might argue that no love, when it's true, is finite, because it transcends death, etc. etc.

But anyway. Back to Mansfield Park real quick. Apparently Jane Austen wasn't too big on the whole subtlety thing. She spells out pretty much everything out for you. Fanny is good because she has sound principles, high moral character, and modesty. Maria and Julia Bertram, and Mary Crawford, are bad because they do not. Edmund is good - everything Fanny has learned is from him. Henry Crawford is bad because, even though he shows reform and is positively influenced by Fanny's goodness, he is inconstant. Edmund ends up marrying Fanny because he realizes that she is wholesome, pure, principled, sweet-tempered, and he knows this: "Her mind, disposition, opinions, and habits wanted no half-concealment, no self-deception on the present, and no reliance on improvement in the future...she was of course only too good for him..."

I suppose you could say this directness makes her stuff weaker than more modern stuff that has more subtext and ambiguity and all that. But I like it. It works. Just because she states it plainly, doesn't mean that her insights on the human condition aren't just as sharp. Or that her writing lacks humor or irony. One bit I particularly liked in the conclusion of Mansfield Park is her remark about purposely not giving dates as to what happened when:

"I purposely abstain from dates on this occasion, that everyone may be at liberty to fix their own, aware that the cure of unconquerable passions, and the transfer of unchanging attachments, must vary much as to time in different people. I only entreat everybody to believe that exactly at the time when it was quite natural that it should be so, and not a week earlier, Edmund did cease to care about Miss Crawford, and become as anxious to marry Fanny as Fanny herself could desire."

I like how Austen kind of mocks the fact that Edmund had said he could never love anyone as he did Mary Crawford, but does so gently, because she realizes that it's not unusual at all for him to stop loving her and fall in love with Fanny. In doing that, she also is making the simple statement that even "unconquerable passion" can end, can learn to be forgotten. I also like that she doesn't give dates because it would be different for everyone, and there should be no judgment in how long it takes someone. She also could seem to be suggesting, though, that Edmund fell in love with Fanny out of convenience, though I don't think that's true. The same way I don't think it's true that Henry Crawford was a bad guy - I also like that Austen says how he really would have been much better for having married Fanny, that her influence would have kept him straight. I don't think I would have minded if Fanny married Henry instead of Edmund. But if Edmund had married Mary...oof. Fanny had a good influence on Henry, but Edmund had no influence on Mary, and that just would have been disastrous. But I suppose Edmund and Fanny deserve each other's goodness.

When Sylvia reaches her angry stage in the film version of The Jane Austen Book Club, she says that Mansfield Park shows her that a marriage is only as strong as its weakest link. In that vein of thinking, Edmund and Fanny's marriage would last because neither is particularly weak. I started writing a post a while ago about Sylvia and Daniel, and his little speech about how he was struggling with wondering whether or not love (and consequently marriage) could sustain for a lifetime:

Daniel: I was just thinking about something Allegra said at Jocelyn's the other day...so we're talking about how we all need to have connection, you know, conversation, sex, companionship, and Allegra says, "Well, you get all that from Mommy." I have to tell you, it really made me sad.
Sylvia: Aw, baby, she'll find somebody.
Daniel: No, it made me sad for us, because I've been struggling with whether a marriage can sustain all of that over, uh, over 20+ years or if it's just inevitable that after a certain amount of time-- maybe being with somebody else can have a renewing effect, because for me-- I've been seeing a woman at work. We've been together 6 months now . . . We, we can't think of this as a failure. We have had a very successful marriage. We've had a long marriage, by any standard. We got 3 wonderful kids. They're grown, they're working, they're--
Sylvia: Just open the damn door, Daniel, I need a tissue.
Daniel: The kids, that's, that's all you, you know, you made all the sacrifices, I know. But there's a logic to us quitting while we're ahead, and I think they'll be able to see that, you know?
Sylvia: I don't understand a single word of what you're saying, Daniel.

It made me think back to that whole idea of people coming and going in and out of your life, and how perhaps we only have a limited amount of time with them, and how it varies. Say we do only have a certain amount of time with people - perhaps that time, for you, can be different from what it is for them. You may feel the connection longer than they, or vice versa. You may be ready to move on before they're ready to let you go. Going with that, then maybe falling in love is just finding someone that can't ever imagine letting go, and your best potential spouse is the one whose love, whose sense of connection, lasts only as long as yours does.

The whole institution of marriage sucks. At least, in the frame of mind I'm in now, I think it does. It takes something completely irrational (love) and forces you to make it practical. Rawr. Obnoxious.

Wow. Did NOT mean to write that much. Nap time!

'Mansfield Park' by Jane Austen.

"'Henry, I think so highly of Fanny Price, that if I could suppose the next Mrs. Crawford would have half the reason which my poor ill-used aunt had to abhor the very name, I would prevent the marriage, if possible; but I know you, I know that a wife you loved would be the happiest of women, and that even when you ceased to love, she would yet find in you the liberality and good-breeding of a gentleman.'"

So said the obnoxious Mary Crawford to her brother. I'm not sure how I'd prefer to interpret her nonchalant assumption that Henry would, in time, fall out of love with Fanny. Is she making a statement about how she thinks that no love lasts forever? Or is she merely thinking that her brother could not sustain his love for Fanny over a lifetime? Hmm.

"The impossibility of not doing everything in the world to make Fanny Price happy, or of ceasing to love Fanny Price, was of course the groundwork of his eloquent answer."

Is that ironic or not?

Either way, it raised an interesting question in my mind. Perhaps no two people can love each other forever, and the longest-lasting marriages are the ones where both people, even after the love and passion has faded, there is still mutual respect, good principles, and the possibility of happiness and promise of companionship.

Wow, that sounds incredibly pessimistic and even kind of morbid.

Bleh. It took a while to get good, but now I'm halfway through and am dying to keep reading. Must attempt to be productive though...

P.S. Also. I forgot how amazing Death of a Salesman is. But I reread it today, and jeez. Arthur Miller was freakin amazing.

Biff: ...You're going to hear the truth--what you are and what I am! ...[to Happy] The man don't know who we are! The man is gonna know! [to Willy] We never told the truth for ten minutes in this house!
Happy: We always told the truth!
Biff [turning on him]: You big blow, are you the assistant buyer? You're one of the two assistants to the assistant, aren't you? ...You're practically full of it! We all are! And I'm through with it. [To Willy] Now hear this, Willy, this is me.
Willy: I know you!
Biff: You know why I had no address for three months? I stole a suit in Kansas City and I was in jail. [To Linda, who is sobbing] Stop crying. I'm through with it...
Willy: I suppose that's my fault!
Biff: I stole myself out of every good job since high school!
Willy: And whose fault is that?
Biff: And I never got anywhere because you blew me so full of hot air I could never stand taking orders from anybody! That's whose fault it is!
Willy: I hear that!
Linda: Don't, Biff!
Biff: It's goddam time you heard that! I had to be boss big shot in two weeks, and I'm through with it!
Willy: Then hang yourself! For spite, hang yourself!
Biff: No! Nobody's hanging himself, Willy! I ran down eleven flights with a pen in my hand today. And suddenly I stopped, you hear me? I stopped in the middle of that office building and I saw--the sky. I saw the things that I love in this world. The work and the food and the time to sit and smoke. And I looked at the pen and said to myself, what the hell am I grabbing this for? Why am I trying to become what I don't want to be? What am I doing in an office, making a contemptuous, begging fool of myself, when all I want is out there, waiting for me the minute I say I know who I am! Why can't I say that, Willy?